Have you ever wanted to tell yourself to "go fuck yourself"?

Normally when I get emails forwarded to me I trash them. If they are forwards that have been forwarded over and over again, chances of me reading it lessen even more. Well, I guess I trusted the source today because I actually opened all of the forwards until I got to the end and hit the link to this site. Its pretty damn cool. The site is called SitePal and you can type in text and the computer character will speak it back to you. They even have a link where you can create a character for free, though Im sure there is a catch somewhere. The site is for businesses as well, but lets face it, most of their traffic is probably coming from people like me who want to hear a computer say, "go fuck yourself" and "man that chili went right thru me, I gotta take a dump" haha.

Check it out for yourself!

A must read if you need a laugh...

If you are ever wanting to laugh your ass off, you gotta visit The Best Page in the Universe. Ive been reading this guy for years and he never fails to crack me up. Ive read his most recent post about 5 times and each time I still laugh my ass off. Other posts are equally as funny, so if you need a laugh I recommend cycling thru.

Enjoy!

Ramblings...

- I have sat by many a douchebag on many a flight and lately Ive been geting peppered with horrible flightmates who either have screaming babies (and do nothing to calm them) or they dont believe in deodorant. Another frustrating one when you just wanna relax and youre sitting next to the guy/gal who is really annoying and struggling to find things to talk about so they just start blurting random open-ended questions at you like, "So what do you think about (insert current issue here)?" Ultimately, you always want good flightmates, preferably attractive ones. Sitting next to an attractive person on an airplane just improves the experience that much more. Youre row is like a fantasy sports team. Ultimately, you want a good balance of attractive row-mates, but its almost impossible that youll go 2/2 in this category. So, you pray for that one stud traveler and hope that no one else sits in the row or that you don get stuck with a dud who ruins the whole damn thing. Because I fly a ton, I usually get to sit up front and board early, so watching people walk by is like the "row draft", only youre not the owner with the pick. Youre more like the MVP QB that has to play with said pick. You cringe when you see a big mama/papa walking down the aisle and then rejoice when you realize they, and their horrible odor, are definitely in the back of the plane as they pass you. Then there's the depression when the mom with baby sits anywhere within a 5 row radius, or the celebration when the cute girl in the business suit sits next to you and chats for a bit. On my flight yesterday, my fantasy seat draft went horrible, but I was able to make a HUGE free agent signing. I was stuck next to Sir Reeks Alot when the old couple in front of me decided to take their screaming baby to the back (I think it was making a lot of chocolate pudding) to be near the bathrooms. This cleared the way for me to make the ol' switcharoo and I ended up sitting next to a nice Columbian girl who was very well endowed. Killer trade!

- There has been some talk about a law that would fine people for wearing baggy pants that hang down past their ass and show their underwear. While I agree that this look is pretty ridiculous and I still cant figure out how they get their pants to stay on that way, I have to say that this law is absurd and violates freedom of expression. Some people in favor of the law are African Americans who feel that this style of dress creates a bad image for their race and they believe said image will improve if this law is passed. Rather than focusing on baggy pants, which mainly focuses on African American males, how about we have a law that fines girls, or better yet, manufacturers who make and market extremely short mini skirts, shorts, overly-exposing tops, etc, to young girls? It might cut down on girls being called "whores" and lead to less rapes. Just sayin...

- Its awesome to be a fan of Boston sports right now. The Sox won it all, the Pats are undefeated and making a bid for a perfect season, and the Celtics are looking pretty tough to beat with Pierce, KG, and Allen running the show. Not to mention the Sox resigned Schilling and are negotiating with Lowell for another contract, plus BC has made quite a run before losing their first game last week. Bruins dont look too bad either (which is a miracle in itself). Just another day in the greatest sports city in the world.

- Drove thru my first snowstorm of the year on Tuesday up in Buffalo, NY. Pretty cool. Cant say I miss the cold weather, but I definitely miss the snow and skiing. Ski trip planned for December in Vancouver, so I hope they get dumped on SOON!

- Speaking of Buffalo... I am amazed at the number of hot girls up there! I have some friends in Miami that are from Buffalo, so I was aware of them and some of their friends being hot, but damn! I didnt think there were that many good looking women in such a cold and boring place! Everywhere I went there were cute, if not hot, chicks. Makes a trip to Buffalo that much more enjoyable...

- I think I need to send out a heartfelt apology to the 20 or so passengers who were crammed inside the same little plane as me on a 45 minute flight from Buffalo to JFK. I had gone to Friday's for dinner the night before and their Jack Daniel's BBQ gave me the absolute worst gas Ive probably ever had (Ive probably said this 1000 times in my life, but this was the worst). Anyways, I couldnt bear holding another one in, so I let one silently escape, hoping it would be buried in my seat. Unfortunately, the seats were leather and the gas ricocheted off and seeped out into the air of the cabin. I pretended to be asleep while biting my lip to keep from cracking up and alerting everyone that I was the culprit, but I have to admit, this was a bad one that I almost couldnt even stand and it was my own. Sometimes I think they should send me over to Iraq and feed me BBQ and then use my ass during interrogations. I swear, after 15 minutes in a 3x3 room with me, any terrorist would gladly give up Bin Laden's location!

- Speaking of farting... Isnt it funny how you can always tolerate the smell of your own no matter how bad they are but if someone else farts the smell is unbearable? Why does this happen? These are things I need to know...

- Ok, getting away from toilet humor... This is my favorite time in Miami. The weather couldnt be more perfect. Warm during the day, cool at night. Itll be like this until mid-March and I love it. Time to break out the blazers!

Thats about all I have to offer right now. I needed a quick break from work and now I need to leave my office for a second cuz I just farted...just kidding! Hahaha!

My Neighbor Gets OWNED on People's Court

One day, a bunch of us neighbors were hanging out in the courtyard of our building having some drinks or a bbq or something like that. Its a regular thing where I live. Anyways, our neighbor walks up and looks all distraught. He explains that he was just on People's Court as a plaintiff trying to retain a deposit for a would-be renter who didn't complete the deal for one reason or another and that the judge went off on him and embarrassed him, saying he was a disgrace to UM Law. I felt bad for him but figured it wasn't a big deal. He was REALLY bummed and a bunch of us spent about 30-45 minutes telling him to get over it, life goes on, etc. He had never seen the show before and wasn't aware that the judges tend to make fools out of people because thats what makes good TV. Thats the main reason I hate those shows. I think the judges are so goddamn disrespectful just because they feel they can be. I didn't really think my neighbor's case could've been that bad, then I saw this clip... Ive been cracking up all morning!

IKEA Opens in Florida; Mentally Defective Show Up in Droves

I was just watching 7 News and they were interviewing some of these dumbass morons who are CAMPING OUT in front of the store and I cant stop laughing. It might take me 20 minutes to type this because I cant stop laughing, but here's some quotes from some fatass morons who were interviewed. I think the best part is that they are all DEAD SERIOUS.

"They have really unique items. Its just a fun store, I mean, just look at it. Even the outside is different!" (points to a boring ass concrete blue wall with a white trim)

Then they interview the lucky 1st person in line who got there MONDAY MORNING...

"I went to the website, (giggling) and I made a list (laughs hysterically)...of things I might want to buy."

Uh, okay, she went to a website and made a list of some stuff she "might want to buy" and then decided to wait outside for 48 hours to "maybe buy it"? If youre not already either cracking up or scratching your head as to why any human being would behave this way, let it be know that this woman has never been to an IKEA store before. Oh, but she will get a free chair for being one of the 1st 100 customers that she will have to assemble. That might be worth the 2 days of pay she likely squandered by waiting in line.

This final one took the cake for me because the girl was so serious when she said it...

"I guess, like, the whole chair thing really sold us. Like, the whole chair thing and just, like, the whole experience. Like, my grandma said, 'Its a life experience.' and like, she really wanted us to do it. She said, 'I would do it if I could stay there all night.' So..." (shrugs shoulders and nods with a face that either explains, "It was obvious what we had to do" or says "yeah, Im a fuckin nutjob")

My Trip to the new Whole Foods Market in South Miami

I went to the Whole Foods yesterday in South Miami (I still say that location is NOT Gables) and I gotta say, I wasnt really too impressed.

Their veggie selection was adequate, but I dont think it was any better than Milams or Fresh Market. Maybe they have more "organic" (see also: absurdly expensive) produce, but thats about it. I did like the variety of mushrooms though.

The seafood selection sucked I thought. There were mussels and clams that were dead and sitting in the case, the "fresh tuna" looked previously frozen, and nothing really jumped out at me overall. One thing I did notice is that they must have customers that LOVE salmon because they had it prepared just about 15 different ways.

The meat case was decent, high priced (as expected) but decent. The chicken selection wasnt great though. They had a good deal on ribeyes, but the ribeyes looked disgusting and LOADED with fat/gristle. I know this is a characteristic of a ribeye, but it was far from "marbling". I liked the sausage selections, but Fresh Market has all of the same ones and they are less expensive (I never thought Id say FM is less expensive than anywhere else on earth). I tried the turkey andoullie and the veal/spinach/feta and both were pretty good. When it came time to buy a steak though, I settled on going with a more reasonably priced option at Milams.

The two areas I really liked at WF were the wine and cheese sections. The selection in the cheese section was unreal! I wasnt prepared for that kind of variety, so I basically sat there staring for about 15 minutes and then decided I needed a gameplan for the next visit. The wine selection was pretty sweet too. Lots of variety and I liked the layout. I wish they had a few more options in the $10-$15 range though. I also thought some of the wines were overpriced (Marques de Riscal 2002 is about $13.99 MAX and they had a 2004 at $18.99). Also in the wine/cheese section was an area with scoops where you could get all different kinds of salts and sugars. I thought this was kinda cool, but I cant imagine many people taking advantage of it. Then again, its not like salt/sugar goes bad.

I didnt really care for their prepared food section that much. It was pretty good, but I like the FM one better. The rest of the store was decent and they had all of the pantry items you'd expect. I also think FM's "snack bag" section is better. This is the area with all different kinds of nuts, sesame sticks, etc. Another thing I didnt like about the store was that, outside the prepped food sections, everything is seems really crammed.

Overall, it was cool to check out the new Whole Foods, but I wont be commuting from the Grove to shop there unless I have a recipe that calls for something rare that I know they are likely to carry. I guess its a nice option for that neighborhood since they carry a lot of different items than Publix or Gardners do too. This could explain why some people in that area are acting like its God's gift to grocery shopping haha.

Dank Recipes: Seafood Wontons with Cilantro Vinagarette

I cook a fair amount and I like to take pics of the finished product. Why? I have absolutely no idea. I found this recipe for Seafood Wontons with Cilantro Vinagarette in an Asian cookbook awhile back and its damn good. I decided to make it again this past weekend so I thought Id share. Its a light meal that I serve on top of a salad even though the recipe doesnt call for it. The cilantro vinagarette makes a killer salad dressing. The water chestnuts inside the wonton filling provide an awesome crunch and add a really fresh and clean flavor, while the green chili gives a subtle kick. This recipe is pretty easy to make, it just takes time to fill and seal all of the wontons. Another thing I like about this recipe is that you can boil the whole bunch, eat what you want, and then save the rest in an airtight container in the fridge. When you want leftovers, you can either nuke em in the microwave or boil a pot of water and drop the wontons in for a few minutes (this is how I roll...) and they still taste great. This is key when you live alone and travel a ton for work. I imagine that you could go the less healthy/more flavorful route and pan fry the wontons too. Adding them to a soup broth would probably kick ass as well, especially if youre sick like I am right now (...wontons boiling as I type).



Here's what you'll need to get your wonton on...

(Serves 4)

8oz raw shrimp, peeled/deveined
4oz white crabmeat, picked apart
4 canned whole water chestnuts, diced fine
1 scallion, chopped fine
1 small green chili, seeded, chopped fine
1/2 teaspoon grated fresh ginger
1 egg, separated (white for filling, yoke for sealing wontons)
20-30 wonton wrappers
salt, fresh ground pepper
cilantro leaves

For the cilantro dressing:

2 tablespoons rice vinegar
1 tablespoon chopped pickled ginger
6 tablespoons olive oil
1 tablespoon soy sauce
3 tablespoons chopped cilantro
2 tablespoons diced red pepper

Time to get it on...

1.) You could either go the slow route finely dicing the shrimp or the fast route in the food processor on pulse - you only need to pulse it once or twice. Ive done both and they each work. Dicing gives you bigger chunks, processing is waaaaaay faster and makes stuffing the filling a helluva lot easier. Either way, add it to a bowl along with the crabmeat, water chestnuts, scallion, chili, ginger, and egg white. Season with salt & pepper and stir/fold all the ingredients together.

2.) Lay down a wonton wrapper on a board, paint the edges with the egg yoke, and drop some of the filling in the middle (a little ball about the width of a quarter). Then fold one corner over its opposite to form a triangle and seal the wonton but make sure to press out all the air as best as you can. Then, bring the 2 side points up over the filling and pinch them together to get a tight wonton shape.

3.) Fill a pot halfway with water and bring to a boil and add the wontons, a few at a time. I get about 12 or so in a fairly large pot. Most will sink, while the ones with a little air inside will float a bit. Remind you of anything else? When they are ready, they all start to float and the wontons become translucent, showing the cooked seafood on the inside (this is usually about 3-4 minutes). Remove with a slotted spoon and keep them warm while you drop in the next batch.

4.) Make the cilantro vinegarette by whisking all the ingredients together in a bowl. Plate the wontons on an empty plate or on top of mixed greens or baby spinach, then drizzle with the dressing and top with some cilantro leaves for looks.

5.) Chow down!