NFL Survivor Pool - week 3 pick

We had an easy win with last week's Steeler pick.  They shutout the Seahawks without much difficulty.  This week there isn't much to choose from but there is one standout pick that should get the W.

Patriots on the road at Buffalo - Some might think this is the week to go with the Pats.  No effing way.  They're on the road against a division opponent that always plays them tough and Buffalo's Ryan Fitzpatrick has been on fire this year throwing all over defenses.  Add to that the Patriots awful secondary and I wouldn't be surprised if Buffalo pulls off the upset.  Stay away.

Chargers at home vs Chiefs - The Chiefs lost star RB Jamaal Charles for the season last week when he ran into a cameraman and effed up is ACL.  Coincidentally, he was my 1st round pick in this year's fantasy football draft.  Not awesome.  The Chiefs are awful on both sides of the ball and the Chargers looked good against the Pats last week but just couldn't stop Brady from throwing all over them.  I'm looking at their offense continuing to fire on all cylinders against the lowly Chiefs.

Titans at home vs Broncos - This is the last game that I like this week.  The Broncos are traveling east to play a Titans team that is just starting to gel.  Broncos have QB "controversy" and may be without their top WR Brandon Lloyd.  They're also missing Knowshon Moreno this week, not that it's a big shocker as he too is on my fantasy team.  Not much else to say on this game.  I'd probably save Tennessee for a later week though.

This week the answer is clear on who to take to SURVIVE another week in your pool...

NFL Survivor Pool - week 2 pick

For the last couple of seasons, I've sauntered on over to The Chowfather's blog to engage in debate about weekly picks for an NFL Survivor Pool.  This year he has made the decision to not post his picks on his blog.  Why?  I have no idea.  But I'm picking up the slack.

Not familiar with NFL Survivor?  Here's a primer for ya.  Each week you pick one team to win their game.  There are no point spreads involved, the team just needs to walk off the field as a winner when the final whistle blows.  The catch is that once you pick a team you cannot select that team a second time.  One wrong pick and you are eliminated.  Participants continue to pick a team each week until there is one "survivor" left or until there is a small amount of people left in the pool who agree to split the pot.  It's pretty tough but it's a lot of fun.

Last week, both Chowfather and I selected the Arizona Cardinals to beat the Carolina Panthers and boy did we sweat that one out.  A late punt return TD gave the Cardinals the victory.  This week, there are a few enticing games to select.  Here's what I'm looking at:

• Pittsburgh at home vs Seattle - The Steelers looked awful against the Ravens in week one and got their asses handed to them.  The Seahawks aren't even close to the caliber team that the Ravens are and they'll be traveling across the country to play as the road team in the Steelers home opener.

• NY Jets at home vs Jacksonville - The Jets came out slow versus Dallas last week but managed to stick around long enough to capitalize on the eventual Dallas meltdown to win the game with a late 50yd field goal.  Jacksonville gave up on QB David Garrard this season and MJD is sure to see his fair share of "gang green" when he's handed the ball in the backfield.  Jets D is solid and should keep the Jags offense on the sidelines most of the game.

• Detroit at home vs KC - Detroit hosts their first home game of the season against the Kansas City Chiefs this Sunday.  I gotta admit that I hopped on the Lions bandwagon during preseason early this year so this pick is a bit of a reach.  The basis behind it is that Kansas City looked awful last week, giving Ryan Fitzpatrick of the Bills a career passing day that ended with him tossing 4 TDs.  That's the Bills, on the road at KC, with an OL that is almost non-existent.  I'd like to think that the Lions are an upgrade to the Bills at every position on both sides of the ball and they are at home.  Again, this pick is a reach but worth consideration.

I also have light feelings for the Giants at home versus the Rams on MNF since the Rams are without RB Steven Jackson and WR Danny Amendola and a finger injury could cause issues for QB Sam Bradford.  But I also don't trust the Giants OL to protect Eli Manning who seems to get murdered every game.

All that said, my mantra in NFL Survivor is to focus on the current week and not worry about "saving" a team to use them later in the season.  So, this week my official pick is...

Things We Already Knew: People on Welfare Are Not All Druggies

Was driving through Atlanta, GA today listening to some local talk radio when the jockey who was on at the time mentioned brought up the state of Florida's projected $178 Million dollar study (in fiscal year one) to drug test people who collect welfare checks.  So far, the study has found that while 2% we cited as drug users, 96% of these people do not use drugs.  This is less than the national average of people over the age of 12 who use drugs (8.7%) and over the age of 26 (6.3%).  It also disproves Governor Rick Scott's ridiculous statement that people on welfare are more likely to use drugs than people who are not on welfare.  Wow, imagine that? When asked for comment, it appears that the Governor's office declined.  Wow, imagine that? 

The jockey went on to call out Governor Rick Scott for wasting $178M of taxpayer money on a ridiculous study when the state is struggling to fund other programs and cutting the jobs of teachers, firefighters, and policemen.  He ended by saying, "This guy has got to go.  People of Florida need to make sure their voice is heard at the next election".

I found it pretty funny that here we had a disc jockey for a radio station in the next state that was more in tune with the politics of Florida than most Floridians are.  I wanted to call in and let him know that I agreed with him in full but the sad part is that an asshole like Rick Scott is likely to be re-elected because people in Florida are asleep at the wheel when it comes to politics.

Hurricanes

I thought I'd respond to SFDB's post about how he doesn't like when people say that they enjoy a hurricane.

I've spent hours putting up shutters in the hot Florida sun and they were for someone else, not me.  Not fun.

I've heard the roar of the winds, watched the trees bend and fall.  Cool stuff.  My car was damaged by a falling tree.  Not cool stuff.

I've been without ice but was smart enough to have water on hand.  I've had to ration food from my fridge and pantry and I've shared with neighbors.

After Wilma, I was without hot water for 3 months (might've been close to 4) and took ice cold showers daily.  Not fun.

I've not seen firsthand the devastating effects of a Category 4 or 5 hurricane and I feel horrible for those who experience loss in such storms much like I do when other parts of the country have tornadoes or earthquakes that are violently destructive.

Having said all that, as I said the other day to Rick of SFDB on Twitter, I enjoy a hurricane.  I guess I'm talking about a Cat 1 or 2 when I say that, as I certainly wouldn't want to experience a Cat 4 or 5.  The smaller ones usually leave little damage and flooding.

But I do enjoy a hurricane.  I enjoy the feeling of fear of the unknown, the power of the weather as it hits, the knowledge that Man cannot control EVERYTHING.  That we are powerless.  That we sit and hope for the best while preparing for the worst.  And if the worst happens, we band together and deal with it and move forward.

I guess you could say it makes me feel...

Human. 

Bombs away!

Part of traveling a lot for a living means you are susceptible to uncomfortable situations and lots of them.  Like having to sit in an airport for 6+ hours because a flight has been delayed or because you've finished early and there is no earlier flight to catch.  Or maybe you booked a hotel in a new area and it's a dump but you just have to suck it up and get some rest.  Or maybe, just maybe it's the worst of all situations...having to take a dump in a public bathroom.

The public dump is something I try to avoid at all costs.  There is nothing more uncomfortable than having to hover over a toilet and drop cable while others are raining down brown of their own.  Public bathrooms are dirty, smelly, and just not somewhere desirable to take a crap.  They can be entertaining sources of laughter though, like when you're trying to pinch a loaf and the guy in the shitter next to you is farting out some machine gun diarrhea.  The sound of farting always cracks me up, even more so when it's accompanied by a stressful moan or sigh of relief.

I've compiled a list of the worst public places to take a dump.  Why?  Because I'm stuck at an airport for 6 hours and need to entertain myself and fart/poop stories are just plain hilarious.  Plus, just before I left for the airport I felt last night's dinner and post dinner bourbon fighting like a UFC battle was going on in my stomach and made sure to drop my payload in the comfort of my hotel room.  Veteran move.

The Convention Center Dump - Seems like every time I need to take a leak while working a convention I enter the bathroom only to hear someone annihilating the toilet and the air with a stink bomb.  I've been able to avoid this dump, choosing to hold it in for hours if necessary as these bathrooms are usually filthy.

The Fast Food Dump - Once I was on a business trip driving thru the middle of the country when I knew I needed to take a shit at the first opportunity I could.  I could feel "the wave" in my stomach and knew I wouldn't be able to hold out for long so I stopped at a Wendy's and tore that place up.  It was all sorts of awful.  To make matters worse, the toilet was broken and wouldn't flush.  Well, that didn't make matters worse for me, so to speak.  Actually, I got a good laugh out of it as I pictured some poor soul who would have to take care of the nuclear fallout I'd left behind.  The fast food dump is usually avoidable because usually where there is a fast food joint off the highway, there is also a hotel and hotel bathrooms are usually pretty clean.  Yeah, you know you'll thank me for that tip someday.

The Rest Stop Dump - Another doozy.  Rest stop bathrooms are poorly maintained and/or have heavy traffic.  As a result, you're gonna be in for harsh conditions and a total lack of peace and quiet should the brown bandit come to pay you a visit on the turnpike.  I was 22 years old and on my first ever business trip with a female coworker who was in her early 30s going to visit a client.  I don't know what the hell I ate the night before but about 45 minutes into the 2hr drive it wanted to exit thru the back door in a hurry.  She was driving so I said I had to take a leak and we stopped at a rest stop where the bathrooms look like an elevated trailer home.  I'm in there at least 15 minutes just punishing the toilet with ass fury.  Every time I think it's clear to go, another round of explosive diarrhea hits and I gotta stay a little longer.  I eventually get back to the car and said I got sick and was throwing up.  I know, totally wussed out.

The Port-O-Potty Dump - Can't say this has ever happened to me and if it has it was so horrific I erased it from my memory.  Really nothing good about this one.  You're dumping into a hole with other dumpage and piss everywhere and you're all alone, wallowing in your own shame for having to shit in a port-o-potty.

The Office Dump - "Hey look, there goes the office shitter."  A comment you hope is never about you.  When I first started a job I was scared to death to take a crap at work because the bathroom was just off the main hallway near all of the offices and cubicles.  It basically sat in the middle of everything.  It also had really thin walls as I learned when one of the larger women in the office started a fiber diet and could be heard farting shit out of her ass continuously, reducing me to tears from laughter while I was on the phone with a customer.  The only positive was it was a solo bathroom.  One day I finally get the courage to drop a bomb at work and everything goes rather smoothly - little to no farting, quick enough, and I watched the flush and made sure everything went down.  I was relieved but it didn't last long.  About 2-3 hours later, I hear a commotion in the hallway and the owner is talking to the janitor.  The toilet has overflowed and there is doody all over the bathroom floor.  I'm shocked because I watched it go down so I'm pretty sure someone had to have gone in there after me and tore up the joint.  Even so, it took awhile to get the courage to do that again.  However, with this job also came my first personal office which gave me freedom to bury a fart in my chair every now and then should nature call.  Well, one day I've got the hot, rotten egg farts and I'm carefree farting up a storm in my office.  All of a sudden, I hear this conversation in the hallway: "Did someone burn eggs in the toaster over or something?  I don't know?  It's either that or a something died in the ceiling over the weekend."  Whoops.

The Stadium Dump - This is another one I have thankfully managed to avoid but apparently many can't because it seems like every game I've attended in my life there is always someone having a blowout in the bathroom.  I remember one time I was at Fenway and some guy was taking a very audible dump with loud farts and I said, "Show that turd who's boss, buddy!" and everyone in the bathroom cracked up.  Never gets old.

The Airport Dump - I'll never forget my first one.  My sales rep and I had taken down a mean spicy meat lovers pizza at an Italian joint one night and the next day had an early morning meeting before I had to get to the airport.  That 'za was knockin on the door mid-meeting, so bad that I started sweating.  My rep got me to the airport quickly but I had to hit the shitter before I checked in or else I was probably going to crap myself.  I soon gave birth to a hot, spicy, pile of brown lava in the handicrap stall.  It smelled so bad that someone who entered the bathroom while I was unloading said, "GEEZ!" and literally coughed and gagged.  I laughed myself to tears.  In fact, I'm laughing myself to tears just writing this recollection of it.

The 40,000ft Dump - This one has got to be the worst.  Airplane bathrooms are usually filthy and also impossible to be comfortable in even when you're standing taking a leak.  Dropping trow is even more uncomfortable.  They have a "hover handle" in there to help but it's still tough.  It must suck to be a woman and have to hover just to take a piss on a plane.  In September of 2009, my 31 year streak of never having to shit in an airplane came to an end.  It was a horrific experience that I tried to hold off until I couldn't take it anymore.  I unleashed my fury on that flight with a good 10 minute diarrhea fest.  When I emerged, a line of people who had to use the bathroom had formed and the smell trailed me as I made my way back to my seat.  At first I was embarrassed but embarrassment turned to pride as I realized that these people were forced to cower in the presence of my ass power.

I'm sure there are plenty more public places that are awful to take a crap but I'm sitting in a restaurant at the airport typing and laughing so badly to myself that I've got to end this.  I hope this brought you as many laughs as it did me and may your dumps always be in the comfort of your own home or hotel room.