Part of traveling a lot for a living means you are susceptible to uncomfortable situations and lots of them. Like having to sit in an airport for 6+ hours because a flight has been delayed or because you've finished early and there is no earlier flight to catch. Or maybe you booked a hotel in a new area and it's a dump but you just have to suck it up and get some rest. Or maybe, just maybe it's the worst of all situations...having to take a dump in a public bathroom.
The public dump is something I try to avoid at all costs. There is nothing more uncomfortable than having to hover over a toilet and drop cable while others are raining down brown of their own. Public bathrooms are dirty, smelly, and just not somewhere desirable to take a crap. They can be entertaining sources of laughter though, like when you're trying to pinch a loaf and the guy in the shitter next to you is farting out some machine gun diarrhea. The sound of farting always cracks me up, even more so when it's accompanied by a stressful moan or sigh of relief.
I've compiled a list of the worst public places to take a dump. Why? Because I'm stuck at an airport for 6 hours and need to entertain myself and fart/poop stories are just plain hilarious. Plus, just before I left for the airport I felt last night's dinner and post dinner bourbon fighting like a UFC battle was going on in my stomach and made sure to drop my payload in the comfort of my hotel room. Veteran move.
The Convention Center Dump - Seems like every time I need to take a leak while working a convention I enter the bathroom only to hear someone annihilating the toilet and the air with a stink bomb. I've been able to avoid this dump, choosing to hold it in for hours if necessary as these bathrooms are usually filthy.
The Fast Food Dump - Once I was on a business trip driving thru the middle of the country when I knew I needed to take a shit at the first opportunity I could. I could feel "the wave" in my stomach and knew I wouldn't be able to hold out for long so I stopped at a Wendy's and tore that place up. It was all sorts of awful. To make matters worse, the toilet was broken and wouldn't flush. Well, that didn't make matters worse for me, so to speak. Actually, I got a good laugh out of it as I pictured some poor soul who would have to take care of the nuclear fallout I'd left behind. The fast food dump is usually avoidable because usually where there is a fast food joint off the highway, there is also a hotel and hotel bathrooms are usually pretty clean. Yeah, you know you'll thank me for that tip someday.
The Rest Stop Dump - Another doozy. Rest stop bathrooms are poorly maintained and/or have heavy traffic. As a result, you're gonna be in for harsh conditions and a total lack of peace and quiet should the brown bandit come to pay you a visit on the turnpike. I was 22 years old and on my first ever business trip with a female coworker who was in her early 30s going to visit a client. I don't know what the hell I ate the night before but about 45 minutes into the 2hr drive it wanted to exit thru the back door in a hurry. She was driving so I said I had to take a leak and we stopped at a rest stop where the bathrooms look like an elevated trailer home. I'm in there at least 15 minutes just punishing the toilet with ass fury. Every time I think it's clear to go, another round of explosive diarrhea hits and I gotta stay a little longer. I eventually get back to the car and said I got sick and was throwing up. I know, totally wussed out.
The Port-O-Potty Dump - Can't say this has ever happened to me and if it has it was so horrific I erased it from my memory. Really nothing good about this one. You're dumping into a hole with other dumpage and piss everywhere and you're all alone, wallowing in your own shame for having to shit in a port-o-potty.
The Office Dump - "Hey look, there goes the office shitter." A comment you hope is never about you. When I first started a job I was scared to death to take a crap at work because the bathroom was just off the main hallway near all of the offices and cubicles. It basically sat in the middle of everything. It also had really thin walls as I learned when one of the larger women in the office started a fiber diet and could be heard farting shit out of her ass continuously, reducing me to tears from laughter while I was on the phone with a customer. The only positive was it was a solo bathroom. One day I finally get the courage to drop a bomb at work and everything goes rather smoothly - little to no farting, quick enough, and I watched the flush and made sure everything went down. I was relieved but it didn't last long. About 2-3 hours later, I hear a commotion in the hallway and the owner is talking to the janitor. The toilet has overflowed and there is doody all over the bathroom floor. I'm shocked because I watched it go down so I'm pretty sure someone had to have gone in there after me and tore up the joint. Even so, it took awhile to get the courage to do that again. However, with this job also came my first personal office which gave me freedom to bury a fart in my chair every now and then should nature call. Well, one day I've got the hot, rotten egg farts and I'm carefree farting up a storm in my office. All of a sudden, I hear this conversation in the hallway: "Did someone burn eggs in the toaster over or something? I don't know? It's either that or a something died in the ceiling over the weekend." Whoops.
The Stadium Dump - This is another one I have thankfully managed to avoid but apparently many can't because it seems like every game I've attended in my life there is always someone having a blowout in the bathroom. I remember one time I was at Fenway and some guy was taking a very audible dump with loud farts and I said, "Show that turd who's boss, buddy!" and everyone in the bathroom cracked up. Never gets old.
The Airport Dump - I'll never forget my first one. My sales rep and I had taken down a mean spicy meat lovers pizza at an Italian joint one night and the next day had an early morning meeting before I had to get to the airport. That 'za was knockin on the door mid-meeting, so bad that I started sweating. My rep got me to the airport quickly but I had to hit the shitter before I checked in or else I was probably going to crap myself. I soon gave birth to a hot, spicy, pile of brown lava in the handicrap stall. It smelled so bad that someone who entered the bathroom while I was unloading said, "GEEZ!" and literally coughed and gagged. I laughed myself to tears. In fact, I'm laughing myself to tears just writing this recollection of it.
The 40,000ft Dump - This one has got to be the worst. Airplane bathrooms are usually filthy and also impossible to be comfortable in even when you're standing taking a leak. Dropping trow is even more uncomfortable. They have a "hover handle" in there to help but it's still tough. It must suck to be a woman and have to hover just to take a piss on a plane. In September of 2009, my 31 year streak of never having to shit in an airplane came to an end. It was a horrific experience that I tried to hold off until I couldn't take it anymore. I unleashed my fury on that flight with a good 10 minute diarrhea fest. When I emerged, a line of people who had to use the bathroom had formed and the smell trailed me as I made my way back to my seat. At first I was embarrassed but embarrassment turned to pride as I realized that these people were forced to cower in the presence of my ass power.
I'm sure there are plenty more public places that are awful to take a crap but I'm sitting in a restaurant at the airport typing and laughing so badly to myself that I've got to end this. I hope this brought you as many laughs as it did me and may your dumps always be in the comfort of your own home or hotel room.
