SERENITY NOW!!!

I used to work in a high stress job environment and, as such, I was a highly stressed individual. I was extremely irritable and quick to get angry if I felt I was being taken advantage of or treated with disrespect. In other words, I was an asshole.

When I left that job, so did the asshole me. My friends and family noticed a change immediately and it was good to have the old me back. I am much more relaxed now and a pro at keeping my cool. Today, that really came in handy...

I went and got a haircut after work and remembered that I needed some water at the homestead so I stopped by Milams on my way back to the Grove. I got some chicken, some shittake mushrooms, garlic teriyaki sauce, water, ice, and a bottle of V8 Acai & Mixed Berry which is one of my favorite drinks. I paid, went to the car, threw the groceries into the trunk and headed home. When I got home, I was able to lug all the groceries plus my briefcase and a car stereo Id bought the day before up to my condo. On the way, I stopped and grabbed my mail and when I got to the 2nd floor where my place is, I realized Id left my keys in the mailbox. So, I put the stuff down, got my keys, and went back up. When I got in, I started putting things away when I noticed the juice was MIA. "What the hell?", I thought to myself. So, I headed back out to the car and checked the trunk. Nothing in it. I hopped in the car and headed back to Milams figuring Id left the juice at the register. When I got there, the cashier said she didnt see it. I didnt take her to be a liar, so I left puzzled at where the hell this juice had gone.

I checked my trunk AGAIN. Still not there, pal. I head home and check the house again. Still nothing. Now Im irritated and in a pissy mood because I want to make dinner and eat before it gets late. So I say, "screw it", and start cooking dinner. As Im making my stir fry, I cant let the goddamn juice fiasco go. I review the whole thing in my mind again. Bought the juice, put the groceries in the car, got home, got mail, got inside, juice up and vanishes like a fart in the wind. Im stir frying and Im pissed off because I just wanted to drink some goddamn juice tonite. Now Im starting to think that the cashier is happily thinking about the juice she is going to drink later. I struggle with the idea of going back to Milams a 3rd time. Im eating with a vengeance now and I cant take the lingering feeling that Ive been had. So, I eat half the dinner and hop in the car to go back to Milams.

I get back and Im determined to shake this girl down to find out where my goddamn juice is. I ask her again and she says I didnt leave anything. Her face is sincere and I know she is telling the truth. Old me definitely wouldve exploded on her and demanded to speak to a manager. Old me definitely wouldve looked like the biggest asshole for doing that too. New me is cool, calm, and collected. I go to the juice aisle and discover Id bought the last bottle of that juice. I start searching for an alternative before angrily deciding that I'll be damned if I buy another bottle of juice at this place. Now Im convinced that I mustve put the groceries down before putting them in the trunk and possibly left that bag. Its hardly believable but there's a chance that is what happened so I leave thinking, "Great, some asshole is probably having a juice party with his whole family on me tonite!"

I needed gas so I stopped for some and then drove home, once again reviewing all of the details of the disappearing juice caper in my head. It is this very second where I have an epiphany. When I went back downstairs to grab my keys out of the mailbox, I thought I heard a "thud" that sounded different than a door closing. I get home, walk up to my place, and look over the railing into the bushes... THERE IS MY MOTHERFUCKIN JUICE! HELL YEAH!! ALL IS GOOD IN THE WORLD!!!

The juice is getting the royal treatment in the freezer as I type this, in order to achieve maximum awesomeness before I dominate about half of the bottle. Ive never been so fired up to drink a glass of juice in my life. Mmmmmmmmmmmm..........juuuuuuuice.