Retarded Airport Issues

Ok, so there is all this new security at airports, rules, limits, personnel, etc... Its supposed to keep us safe so thats a positive. It also makes it easy to point out how retarded most people in this country are for not being able to follow guidelines that are listed all over the airport and constantly repeated over the intercom (in Spanish too at Miami International, which is bullshit but thats a whole other rant for another day) - a half positive for comedy, but a half negative for annoyance while you wait in line. Because of this, you have to be on point at the airports, especially if youre like me and like to have a few whiskeys or beers before you board the plane. With my job requiring a lot of travel, Ive got it down to a science. Here are some good guidelines to follow to help prevent you from looking like one of those retards:

1. Know the rules - If you havent figured it out yet, terrorists bombed our country using our very own passenger planes as weapons of mass destructions. As a result of that, there are some security measures in place at the airports that must be followed. Strange coincidence huh? Well, know these rules and dont try to rebel against them. Dont try and bring more than 2 carry on bags, dont have any liquid or gel in your carry on bag (the airports are calling it 3-1-1 now so look up what that is cuz Im not explaining), separate your laptop, take off your jacket/sportcoat, and take off your fuckin shoes. Ive seen and heard millions of people bitch about having to remove shoes and I really dont see what the big deal is. Just obey the rules and proceed so we can all go on with our lives and I can have a chance at some whiskey before I board.
2. Master the art of the xray line - This is important. Youve gotta be on your toes if you wanna find the fastest way thru the line. See also - need to get a whiskey before boarding. With that said, be on the lookout for people who dont speak/read english, fat people (slow ass mo'fo's), business travelers who like to look important by talking on their cells in line and because of this are a total trainwreck with the whole laptop removal thing, parents with kids (nightmare because of the extra baggage), and old people. Once you choose your line, get your gear in order. This means knowing all of the metal items on your persons that will make the detector beep and getting ready to remove them. This is where dumbasses should realize that shoes are key. Take off the shoes, empty the metal in your pockets (keys, phone, etc.) into the appropriate shoe (i.e. - right pocket stuff in right shoe, left pocket stuff in left shoe). This makes for easy retreiving once you make it thru as all you have to do is pour the contents into your hand and shove em in your pocket. And be ambidexterous for crying out loud. Just because the right hand is busy stuffing items in the right pocket doesnt mean the left hand cant be picking up some other shit or preparing a shoe to be put on. Oh, and if you wear shoes that are difficult to put on quickly, cart your ass over to the chairs nearby and sit down rather than struggling and causing the line to back up.
   
3. Dont be an asshole - Bitching about shoes and/or airport rules is a waste of oxygen, both yours and mine. The airport personnel can be lazy (see Miami International), extremely incompetent (see Miami International), and rude (see Miami International). That doesnt mean you gotta try and outsmart them. If you try to bring 2 pieces of carry on luggage and a purse/laptop bag/backpack, youre gonna get busted. Dont be an asshole and cause a scene because you aint winning that arguement. Ive seen them tell old ladies in wheelchairs that they have to check said bags, so Mr. J.P. Travelsalot aint sliding by either.
4. Remember, airport lines are a team sport - Getting thru the line as fast as possible is gonna take a team effort by you and all of your fellow passengers in line. Take pride in your line and its ability. Be a leader and set an example soldier! Help the lame out with getting them a bin. If youre taking too long to throw your stuff in a bin, let the next guy go in front of you. Double check for metal to make sure you dont get rejected at the metal detector and have to start over. If your "zone" hasnt been called yet, dont try and sneak by cuz your gonna get denied and delay others, cause an announcement, and look like a total asshole (which, now that I think of it, is actually funny so go ahead and give it the ol' college try!)

Following these guidelines should help you to maximize your free time at the airport for using the internet, talking on the cell, and if youre not a loser wasting time on the internet or cell - pounding some whiskey and talking to airport bar patrons. Good times!