Friday, December 29, 2006

Friday Ramblings

Gotta love Fridays! Some mindless ramblings for you...

Played in a poker tourney last night that my "free" poker league held. $25 entry plus $5 tip for the dealer and $12 whiskey to get more chips (add-on). So much for free eh? Anyhow, the prizes were an iPod Video or iPod Nano for 1st/2nd and a bottle of Dewars 12 for 3rd. I get dealt great cards for most of the night, get a little luck, and Im dominating. I continue to dominate at the table then get impatient at the end and finish 4th... No soup for me.

Its sad to see people that cant forgive and forget, especially around the holidays. Lighten up for crying out loud!

Found out that my drunken High School buddy wasnt making thngs up when he said a guy and girl from our class got kicked out of the bar at our 10 year reunion... Apparently the girl got caught in the men's bathroom giving the guy a blow job. Both are married and were without their significant others - good times!

People that drive slow in the left lane on any 3+ lane road should be pulled over, dragged out of their cars, and beaten with a tire iron. I dont understand why this isnt a law. Well, except for the beating part. In Massachusetts, it actually is a "law". I use quotes because there are actually signs that say, "Pass on the left - Its the law!" but I doubt anyone has ever enforced said law. It just makes things a lot easier for everyone. I also dont see why people need to switch lanes when they have nobody in front of them on the road and they arent in an "exit only" lane. Im tired of Pedro and his 1986 Dodge minivan with no muffler and a bumper secured with duct tape impeding my progress on the road. I will say though, that my weaving skills are top notch and Im thinking of starting a career in Nascar just from my driving experiences in South Florida.

I guess Im not really getting why girls wear sweatpants that say "PINK" across their ass when the color of said sweatpants are not pink.

Im also not getting why clubs in Miami feel the need to rape the general public with insane cover charges for New Years Eve. If you dont want to pay $300-$500/person for a table & bottle of $50-$80 booze, you can always pay $150 and then buy $15 drinks all night. Either way you slice it, youre taking it like Mike Tyson's cell mate. I think they oughta change the name to "Summer's Eve" at those clubs because of the high volume of total douchebags who go there. I like to be around friends on NYE, not people who I could care less about.

I think we've finally gone WAY over the line with Reality TV. A show that involves loser "celebrities" becoming cops has to be the lamest idea ever. Sad thing is that people will watch it, mostly hoping that they get to see one of these "celebrities" get blown away by a drug dealer with a shotgun.

The sound of someone farting, poop jokes/stories, and general "potty humor" still cracks me up. In fact, Im laughing cuz I just typed "potty humor". I turn 30 next year.

Speaking of poop... Best birthday present I got this year was a piece of fake poo, the classic dog poo kind. Ive been waiting for that gift for 29 long years. Yesterday, I had an appraiser come to check out my condo for my refi and I planted it right in the corner of the living room by the entrance to the bedroom where I knew he'd be measuring the square footage. He comes in and says, "Uh, do you have a dog?" I say, "No, but I took care of my neighbors dog yesterday, why?" He replies, "I think there mightve been an accident..." It was awesome.

Saw the commercial with the guy that wears the green suit with dollar signs and talks about how to get free money from the government last week. Do you think when this guy dies that anyone will know? Do you think the government will be happy that their secrets are safe once again? That guy strikes me as the type of guy who goes home, puts on lipstick, and smokes Virginia Slims.

If you havent been to "The Greatest Page in the Universe" you really need to click on the link in my blog links section. Trust me, you wont be sorry. I try to read at least 1 post per day for a good laugh.

Its Friday and NYE is Sunday. Be sure to get drunk tonight so you can recover Saturday and then rage on Sunday. This way your tolerance will be much higher and youre hangover much less severe. You can thank me later.

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Man, I love Christmas time...

I am in love with this holiday. Its not just because of the presents though, although that is a good part of it. I love how Christmas time makes people take a timeout from their regular routine and relax for once. These days, it seems that so many of us get caught up in the hussle bussle of everyday life - work, bills, partying, investments, etc. - that we forget to take a breather and remember what its like to truely relax for a moment. For some reason, Christmas time always seems to make even the biggest asshole act cordial and pleasant. I love that. Its almost as if people really still believe in Santa so they are on their best behavior at all times. Men hold open doors for women and do the dishes. Women cook and cater to their company. Everyone loves to show off the fact that theyre doing these things too. Over my vacation, I ran into a bunch of old friends and it was good to catch up. Some of them were old friends from high school and some were old acquaintances that I wasnt very close with but we had the same circle of friends anyhow. Its funny because you know that normally these are the type of people that wouldnt say more than a "hello" to you, but its Christmas time and its time to catch up and be polite. Santa's watching, you know... Even my family is nice to one another. Not to say that we normally arent, but more like we go the extra mile. Complete strangers - also extra polite. I went to the mall to buy some last minute gifts and saw people doing nice things for one another and leaving each other with a "Happy Holidays" or "Merry Christmas" (in the area I grew up in, there arent many Jewish people...). Its just really nice to see.

Of course, the holidays are over now and by the time New Years is over and 2007 begins, Im sure all of us will slide right back into the "normal" routine. Work, stress, road rage, and telling one another to go fuck ourselves. I hope everyone enjoyed their holiday time and that you got all the presents that you wanted. Here's looking forward to Christmas next year!

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Retarded Airport Issues

Ok, so there is all this new security at airports, rules, limits, personnel, etc... Its supposed to keep us safe so thats a positive. It also makes it easy to point out how retarded most people in this country are for not being able to follow guidelines that are listed all over the airport and constantly repeated over the intercom (in Spanish too at Miami International, which is bullshit but thats a whole other rant for another day) - a half positive for comedy, but a half negative for annoyance while you wait in line. Because of this, you have to be on point at the airports, especially if youre like me and like to have a few whiskeys or beers before you board the plane. With my job requiring a lot of travel, Ive got it down to a science. Here are some good guidelines to follow to help prevent you from looking like one of those retards:

  1. Know the rules - If you havent figured it out yet, terrorists bombed our country using our very own passenger planes as weapons of mass destructions. As a result of that, there are some security measures in place at the airports that must be followed. Strange coincidence huh? Well, know these rules and dont try to rebel against them. Dont try and bring more than 2 carry on bags, dont have any liquid or gel in your carry on bag (the airports are calling it 3-1-1 now so look up what that is cuz Im not explaining), separate your laptop, take off your jacket/sportcoat, and take off your fuckin shoes. Ive seen and heard millions of people bitch about having to remove shoes and I really dont see what the big deal is. Just obey the rules and proceed so we can all go on with our lives and I can have a chance at some whiskey before I board.
  2. Master the art of the xray line - This is important. Youve gotta be on your toes if you wanna find the fastest way thru the line. See also - need to get a whiskey before boarding. With that said, be on the lookout for people who dont speak/read english, fat people (slow ass mo'fo's), business travelers who like to look important by talking on their cells in line and because of this are a total trainwreck with the whole laptop removal thing, parents with kids (nightmare because of the extra baggage), and old people. Once you choose your line, get your gear in order. This means knowing all of the metal items on your persons that will make the detector beep and getting ready to remove them. This is where dumbasses should realize that shoes are key. Take off the shoes, empty the metal in your pockets (keys, phone, etc.) into the appropriate shoe (i.e. - right pocket stuff in right shoe, left pocket stuff in left shoe). This makes for easy retreiving once you make it thru as all you have to do is pour the contents into your hand and shove em in your pocket. And be ambidexterous for crying out loud. Just because the right hand is busy stuffing items in the right pocket doesnt mean the left hand cant be picking up some other shit or preparing a shoe to be put on. Oh, and if you wear shoes that are difficult to put on quickly, cart your ass over to the chairs nearby and sit down rather than struggling and causing the line to back up.
  3. Dont be an asshole - Bitching about shoes and/or airport rules is a waste of oxygen, both yours and mine. The airport personnel can be lazy (see Miami International), extremely incompetent (see Miami International), and rude (see Miami International). That doesnt mean you gotta try and outsmart them. If you try to bring 2 pieces of carry on luggage and a purse/laptop bag/backpack, youre gonna get busted. Dont be an asshole and cause a scene because you aint winning that arguement. Ive seen them tell old ladies in wheelchairs that they have to check said bags, so Mr. J.P. Travelsalot aint sliding by either.
  4. Remember, airport lines are a team sport - Getting thru the line as fast as possible is gonna take a team effort by you and all of your fellow passengers in line. Take pride in your line and its ability. Be a leader and set an example soldier! Help the lame out with getting them a bin. If youre taking too long to throw your stuff in a bin, let the next guy go in front of you. Double check for metal to make sure you dont get rejected at the metal detector and have to start over. If your "zone" hasnt been called yet, dont try and sneak by cuz your gonna get denied and delay others, cause an announcement, and look like a total asshole (which, now that I think of it, is actually funny so go ahead and give it the ol' college try!)
Following these guidelines should help you to maximize your free time at the airport for using the internet, talking on the cell, and if youre not a loser wasting time on the internet or cell - pounding some whiskey and talking to airport bar patrons. Good times!