Dear Chinese Porno Link Guy

You have been posting in the comment section of my blog for almost a year now.  While the Chinese characters look cool and although I have no idea what they actually say, I find it really annoying and really wish you would get the hint and stop posting them.  I can't imagine that my blog really gets that much traffic for you to find it worthwhile to put your porno links in the comment sections of my posts, nor can I imagine that anyone even clicks on them.  It's really a waste of your time and mine.

A few days ago, I admired your efforts to be tricky and use "donna" as an alias to disguise your identity when you left your Chinese porno links.  I even laughed at the fact that you thought that would work.  Silly Chinese porno link guy, I get emails when comments are posted and I noticed you felt the need to comment on 11 of my posts.  That was a big red flag.  The other red flag was that, other than the letters "AV" at the start, your comment was all Chinese characters, thus giving you away.

I really don't want to moderate comments because that is a pain in the ass, so I'm going to ask that you please stop posting in the comments section of my blog posts.  I will delete the comments every time, so find somewhere else to post your links to Chinese porno.  Thanks, buddy.

Up In the Air...Again

A few thoughts and circumstances I encountered on this latest adventure flying the friendly skies...

1. Airports really need to get on the same goddamn page.  It's really interesting how what is necessary for the goose isn't necessary for the gander when one goes through the process of checking in for a flight and getting to one's departing gate.  At some airports, you can use a kiosk to check in and then wait in line to check your bags and then the ticket counter employees put your bags on a conveyor belt behind them and off they go.  At other airports like MIA, you go through the same process but then have to wheel your bags over to some other area for them to be screened by security even though there is a moving conveyor belt behind the ticket counter employees.  I'm sure there is probably a good reason for this, besides MIA being the most ass-backward airport in the country, but it just seems really dumb and a pain in the ass.  Every airport should do it the same way.  It would greatly reduce confusion for the traveler that gets the deer-in-the-headlights look because their originating airport didn't do it this way and now they are confused on their return flight.  Kinda hard to imagine why this is confusing but, for some reason, air travel makes people really, really dumb.  Another inconsistency comes at the security gates.  Ok, by now if you don't know that you need to remove all metal from your pockets and take off your shoes then you should be removed from the line and beaten senseless with a regulation-sized carry-on bag.  That's simple stuff.  The inconsistency that is annoying lies with airport security personnel who sometimes make you remove things from your pockets and sometimes don't.  When I left MIA on my way north, I went thru my usual routine and removed everything from my persons that was metal.  I left a chapstick in my pocket.  The lady at security made a big fucking to-do about that and made me go back thru the metal detector and put the chapstick in a bin.  You know, in case I had nuclear chapstick that would bring us all to our doom.  At LGA (LaGuardia), I went thru security 3 times.  The first time was for normal reasons and I made it through without issue (chapstick in pocket) but when I got to my gate and noticed I was still 3.5 hrs early (no other flights for standby) and there was no 1st class lounge, I doubled back and hit the next terminal over.  I got through security there without issue as well, had a few gratis beers in the lounge along with some veggies and dip, then headed back to my terminal to go through security for the 3rd time and catch my flight.  Here, I encountered the Security Nazi, you know, the dude who just likes to be a dick.  I went through the metal detector and it didn't make a noise so I thought I was good.  "Sir, I need you to go back.  Do you have any metal in your pockets?", the S.N. said.  "Nope", I replied before he noticed that nuclear chapstick in my pocket and made me remove it.  I did without getting irritated thinking maybe the "empty pockets" thing was new and then headed back through the metal detector.  Once again, no sound from the metal detector and once again this asshole stopped me and asked me to do it again.  Now I was irritated.  "Buddy, I do this almost every goddamn day.  In fact, this is the 3rd time if gone through security at this airport and I'm doing nothing different.  There's nothing setting off the metal detector.  What's your problem?"  He said something about me getting "four stars" as I walked through and that meant I had to go back.  Eventually, I took my money clip (stainless steel that is travel approved doesn't set off metal detectors) and put it in a bin which reduced my "star count" and appeased the Security Nazi.  I just wish airports would get on the same page with the same set of rules for each airport to eliminate delays and power trips by security.
2. Some people never cease to amaze me.  Look, flight delays happen.  Whether it be weather, equipment malfunctions, or whatever, shit happens.  Contrary to what appears to be popular belief, the airline employees have NOTHING to do with this.  My flight from LGA to BOS was delayed for 30 minutes and then another 1.5 hours.  This one woman apparently thought that the poor girl at the counter was responsible and began bitching nonstop for a good 15 minutes before she finally stormed off having accomplished nothing but elevating her own blood pressure and looking like a total bitch.  I thought it was kinda funny when the poor girl behind the counter went on break and the guy who replaced her decided to crush our spirits and let everyone know that although it said our flight would be leaving at 6:30p (1 hour late), we would actually be boarding at that time and then sitting on the runway for another hour.  He got cussed out by what I imagine was his supervisor but I appreciated him telling the god honest truth.
3. Sometimes you gotta give a little clear direction.  The plane I boarded on the aforementioned LGA to BOS flight was one of those smaller ones with two seats on the left side of the plane and one on the right as you board.  These planes have tiny overhead bins but I know my briefcase fits in just fine.  The guy in front of me was kind enough to let me put my briefcase up before he put up his jacket so we both could get our stuff in.  As I put my briefcase up, the woman behind me with the annoying, whiny voice asked, "How come you couldn't gate check that so we could put our jackets up?"  I kindly told her that my computer and some files were in there and that I needed to get some work done on the plane.  Again she bitched, "You could take them out, you know."  "Well, that's not gonna happen.  Sorry.", I said as she continued to bitch about her stupid jacket.  That's when I became irritated and gave some clear direction which got a clap from the woman next to me and sparked the guy behind me to say, "Forget it buddy, you can't win with people like that."  The guy then guessed that I wasn't married but the bitchy woman thought he was talking to her and went off on a tirade about being married for 42 years.  Guy behind me had the line of the night - "Man, that must be some luck your husband has."  Later on the flight the bitchy woman and her annoying friend both ended up getting airsick and puked in the barf bag.  Ain't karma a bitch?

The #1 Reason Why MIA Sucks

It's the people who work there.  Everyone has an attitude and that attitude sucks.  It's like they think they're doing the public a big favor by working there.  It's completely different than every other airport in the country and it's also the worst airport in the country.  I feel bad that many people have to have their introduction to the USA by way of Miami International Airport.  It's the worst airport in the country.  Seriously.  I think it was a year or two ago that somehow they got an award for best airport or most improved airport or something and it totally blew me away.  The selection committee must have gone out and drank tequila into the early hours of the morning before finishing off with 1,000 rounds of bong hits and walking in to cast their votes.

Thanks for continuing to under-service, under-perform, and underachieve MIA.  You suck. 

Miami Construction SUCKS!!

This is gonna be a quick, frustrated post. This city is the absolute worst when it comes to road construction. The Miami Brain Trust feels that the appropriate time for road construction is during peak hours of commute. Im so sick and tired of taking 195 West only to find 95 South closed, forcing me to have to drive North to then turn around and go South. HURRY UP AND FINISH THE GODDAMN INTERCHANGE ALREADY!!! ITS BEEN WAAAAAAY TOO LONG!!! And since things take forever in Miami because the unions and developers, etc like to milk the clock for as much as they can, maybe it would be wise to START CONSTRUCTION AFTER MIDNIGHT LIKE THEY DO IN OTHER CITIES?!?!?!?!?! WORK OVERNIGHT, NOT DURING PEAK TIMES (which in Miami happen to run until midnight because we have no transit system)!!!!!!!!!!!

Its a good thing I dont own a gun...

7 Meals in 7 Nights: Sunday - The Breakers, Palm Beach & Hakkasan, Miami Beach

"What? I don't remember going to Burger King last night?", was the first thought that entered my mind as I woke up Sunday morning face down on a pullout couch and noticed a BK soda cup on a nearby coffee table. Yeah, it was that kinda night. I also have this stupid problem where I cant sleep in when I'm not at home so I was up around 9am. I got bored sitting there so I got up and headed out onto the porch at my cousin's place to play a little guitar and enjoy the warm breeze coming off of the ocean. The rest of the gang awoke about an hour or so later and, after much talk of me not believing I ate BK the night before, it was announced that we had a poolside cabana reserved for us at The Breakers Palm Beach. Sweet.

Driveway leading up to The Breakers Palm Beach Resort

The Breakers is an over-the-top resort in Palm Beach overlooking the Atlantic Ocean. It boasts 2 golf courses - the Oceans course on premises and the Rees Jones course about 10 miles away, 10 restaurants/bars/cafes, about 5 pools lined with poolside cabanas (from what I counted anyways), and a nice section of sandy beach. The facilities, including golf, are private and usually reserved only for use by hotel guests and club members. Ive heard that a simple pool membership STARTS at $30,000 per year and that is a reoccurring charge yearly! Being the offseason, however, they have opened up the ability to purchase poolside cabanas to regular ol' folks like us.

View from our poolside cabana @ The Breakers Palm Beach

Luckily, we had a cabana reserved at the "Tranquility Pool", meaning there were no kids screaming and splashing around in the water. This was key for my friends who, unlike me, are prone to hangovers. I have an immunity for some reason, most likely because my body is used to being abused. The cabana was sweet. It had 2 cushioned lounge chairs along with an umbrella and a few more chairs outside (view above) and then an indoor area with a wrap-around couch, coffee table, a few more chairs, and all the amenities of a hotel room like a stocked fridge, plasma TV with cable and all channels, towels, and a sink. The back of the cabana also had a nice bathroom vanity with 2 sinks, a toilet in a room off to the right of the vanity, and a private outdoor shower complete with 4 body jets to the left. With all these amenities, there's no wonder that there is a sign letting you know you aren't allowed to spend the night in the poolside cabana!

After a dip in the pool and a frozen alcoholic beverage, we were starving and ready to chow down. The menu was pretty decent for a pool bar menu. My cousin and I went with the pulled pork sandwich, another buddy had the shrimp po' boy, and the girls each got a lobster roll, made just like we do 'em back in New England (but at 3x the cost haha). The pulled pork sandwich was awesome and definitely hit the spot. The bbq sauce was nice and spicy and the bun was a formidable one and didn't get soggy at all. Well, the bun didn't really have a chance to get soggy because I inhaled that sandwich. I didn't get to try anyone else's sandwich but all reports were good. A couple more Coronas and a few dips in the pool and it was time for me to hit the road back to Miami. I had plans to meet up with Paula, of Mango & Lime fame, and her husband, D, at Hakkasan to check out their Miami Spice menu and I was looking forward to it as it would mark my first trip to the Fontainebleau since their $500M makeover.



Hakkasan comes to Miami Beach by way of London where Chef Alan Yau first established his Chinese restaurant under the same name. Typical Miami, always the bridesmaid, never the bride. After all of the hype it had received in newspaper and online reviews, I was eager to give it a shot. I was also aware that this would be an expensive meal if we got away from the Miami Spice menu but that's kinda to be expected at a large hotel on South Beach anyways. I valeted the car, fully aware that parking would be gratis if I got my ticket validated at the restaurant, and then walked into the hotel lobby. What a cool space! Very big and very open with a bar to the back of the large lobby that had its flooring illuminated in an electric blue light. The place is the closest thing we have to a Las Vegas casino here in Miami.

Snazzy dessert menu and bill jacket @ Hakkasan

After finally figuring out which direction I needed to go in to get to the restaurant, I began walking. I walked down a few hallways and up a ramp before finally hopping in the elevator that would take me to the restaurant. We were greeted and sat immediately. The restaurant space was sick! I am a huge fan of Asian inspired design and I loved the layout of the space with large latticed wood panels separating different sections of the dining room from floor to ceiling, of which I estimated at about 18 feet above. Dark wood tables and ice blue leather booth seating with embroidered elements and pillows lined one wall while chairs sat opposite the table. They also had a sweet bar back lit with water effects and on the western side of the room they had some more communal style tables and the kitchen which was separated from the dining room by a large blue glass wall so you could just see the shadows of the men and women working behind. On the eastern side of the room, there was a separate area with slate stone walls that had figures jutting out of them and a hallway that led to the bathrooms. Even the bathrooms were sick! Large 18 foot floor to ceiling doors in white led to an all white marble bathroom in which to carry out your business. But enough of me fawning over the space, we were here to eat.

After being informed that any drinks with passion fruit were off the menu due to the restaurant not being satisfied with the quality, we started with a round of drinks. I went with the Georgia Julep, a peach-inspired version of the Kentucky classic mint julep. Paula went with the Green Destiny which I cant remember what was in it but she seemed to enjoy. D ordered another drink that didn't have passion fruit in its description only to have the waitress come back and say that it did and wasn't being offered, so he went with the Georgia Julep as well. Of course, this normally would mean that the waitress would wait until all drinks are ready before serving but that wasn't the case. D had to watch us suck down our bevvies for a few before getting his. The Julep was good, though I prefer the Kentucky classic version much better. With drinks flowing, we were ready to order. We opened up the menus to find no Miami Spice menu inside. Bad vibes. I hate asking for that damn thing. We bit the bullet and asked and were given one promptly. The offerings appeared to be some of the weaker selections on the menu and, judging by the price points on the regular menu, smaller portions. I wasn't really feeling the options on the Spice menu and neither was D so we all opted to go with the regular menu since a minimum of 2 people were necessary to order from the Spice menu. I found that minimum to be fairly reasonable, however, I soon learned that there was another stipulation... A group of 6 people came and sat in the booth behind our table, ordered drinks, then became very irritated and left the restaurant but not before having a few words with the hostess at the hostess desk. Apparently they have a rule at Hakkasan that only allows a maximum of 5 people to order from Miami Spice. That makes no sense to me. The way I see it, they just lost out on probably what would've been a $500+ check after all was said and done. What if the group of 6 split into 3 and 3? Then it would be OK? In my book, if it don't make dollars, it don't make sense and this silly rule made the restaurant lose money and piss off a customer who would likely tell others about his experience. For a hotel that just invested $500M, you'd think that they'd want to make every little buck that they can.

Dim Sum Platter Appetizer @ Hakkasan

After looking over the menu and deciding to share 3 appetizers, we ordered the Roasted Mango Duck, Dim Sum Platter, and the Roasted King Soya Squab only to be told by the waitress that they were out of the squab. That mightve been nice to know ahead of time. Instead, we opted for the Wild Mushroom Lettuce Wraps. To give you an idea on pricing, these apps were $18 each and $24 for the dim sum. So we're already tallied at $60 just for apps, not to mention 3 $14 drinks and two $9 bottles of Voss water for the table (man, my ass hurts just typing that). That's $111 in just drinks and apps, so you can get an idea of what ordering off the regular menu is like.

Slightly dominated Wild Mushroom Lettuce Wraps @ Hakkasan

Roasted Mango Duck appetizer @ Hakkasan

The dim sum platter had 4 sets of dumplings presented in a bamboo steamer. There was a set of scallop shumai in the center topped with tobiko which were probably my favorite. The two with the green in them were shrimp dumplings with chives and there were another set of shrimp dumplings, both of which were good. The translucent dumplings that are shown in a square-like fold were stuffed with vegetables seasoned with Chinese 5-spice powder. These were my second favorite and would've been my favorite if the scallop shumai hadnt been cooked perfectly. The mushroom lettuce wraps were good but by god were the lettuce "wraps" small! Take your hand and give a "thumbs up". Now look at the size of your thumb. The lettuce was so small that you could maybe fit about a half of thumb's worth of mushroom mixture into the lettuce. This left a lot of the mixture leftover on the plate and kinda sucked the life out of the dish which was too bad because the flavors were on point. The roasted mango duck was a huge winner and quite possibly the best dish we had all night in my opinion. The dunk was tender and had a nice layer of fat and a crispy skin. This paired incredibly well with the fresh slices of juicy mango whose juice also made for a nice plated marinade for the duck. Just a very simple and very flavorful dish that I will probably order every time I eat there because it was that damn good.

Spicy Assam Prawns in Coconut @ Hakkasan

After another round of Georgia Juleps we ordered our main courses. Not knowing that the dishes are supposed to be served "family style", we each ordered individually. Paula went with the Spicy Assam Prawn in Coconut, D requested the Braised Black Bean Grouper Claypot with Bitter Melon, and I opted for the Stir-fry Scallop and Pumpkin in Black Bean. My dish and Paula's dish arrived together and D's about 5-10 minutes later which was about par for the course on this night.

Crappy iPhone pic of the Braised Black Bean Grouper Claypot @ Hakkasan

Stir-fry Scallop and Pumpkin in Black Bean @ Hakkasan

We did manage to share a few bites of our dishes with each other so I got a good taste of everything. I'm always weary of scallop dishes that involve them in some sort of stew or stir fry because the heat from the other components can sometimes continue to cook the scallop, making it a little more chewy. Not the case here. These scallops were spot-on perfect. The pumpkin in black bean sauce was also very tasty and I liked the texture as well. They were cooked so that they were soft yet still had some firmness to them so they didnt get all mushy. D's grouper had the same black bean sauce and was another example of carefully cooked seafood. The fish was tender and moist and went down easily. I thought Paula's prawn dish was awesome. The coconut kept the contents hot for the entire meal, even still steaming when we were finished eating. The coconut milk broth had a fiery kick to it that reminded me of the Cambodian Scallop Amok served at Origin Bistro in South Miami and the prawns were tender and tasty. I'd order any one of these drinks again.

After dinner we didn't really feel like leaving so Paula ordered up a dessert called Mangia e Bevi that I cant remember what it exactly was but I remember some sort of sorbet being involved. I recommended a few glasses of Eagle Rare 10yr on the rocks for myself and D to enjoy. The Eagle Rare was really workin it for me so we ordered another round before asking for the bill. Now, one would think that when a menu says that an Eagle Rare is $14, it means regardless of how you drink it, right? Well, apparently not at Hakkasan for when we received the bill we were charged $17 for said bourbons. When we asked the waitress what the deal with that was, she replied that we ordered drinks on the rocks which got a greater pour, hence the $3 extra charge. So I'm paying $3 for a couple cubes of frozen f**king water?!?! Gimme a break already! Its not as if Hakkasan wasn't already making bank off the price of the drink (a bottle can be easily had for $26.99) but if you're gonna price your liquor, price it no matter how it gets ordered, goddammit. That really frosts me. Ive never been to a restaurant that charges for something as silly as cubes of ice to keep a drink cold. I can tell you that the Georgia Julep had bourbon and some other ingredients and also came with ice for $14 and that had to be higher in cost than my Eagle Rare on the rocks. I guess they expect for diners to just do shots all night? Its kinda funny how a restaurant will turn away 6 diners who want to spend $35+ each like they don't need the money, then they turn around and bone diners for $3 to put ice in a drink. That's just blatant douchebaggery.

Bill @ Hakkasan noting their menu price of $14 for Eagle Rare and then the mystery add-on of $3 on the bill for f**king ice

Overall, I thought the food and decor were paramount to the spotty service and douchebaggery shown at Hakkasan. I now understand why so many raved about the food at Hakkasan prior to me having the chance to experience it for myself. Every dish, no matter how simple or complex, really focused on a feature flavor with tiny hints of complimentary flavors identifying themselves and elevating the dish. That is what made the food worthy of the price of admission. I also think, design-wise, this is the most impressive restaurant in Miami. I will definitely be back someday Im sure, maybe even to try that $200 Peking Duck with Osteria Caviar. :)

What a great day I had and a glorious finish to an epic week of dining out every night. I made it! 7 Meals in 7 Nights had come to an end and the meal at Hakkasan, annoying little details aside, was a phenomenal way to end it. I had made it from Monday to Sunday and I'd had many fantastic meals, enjoyed time with friends and family, met some new people, and got to throw in a little travel as well. I'd consumed burgers, pizza, lobster, scallops, ceviche, and various bourbons. Many, many bourbons. All this made possible thanks to the social gathering we call dining out. My cup is running over with happiness and great memories and I look forward to seeing friends, meeting more strangers, and creating more memories around plates of good food.

JUST CHARGE ME ALREADY!!!

Why is it that some businesses take so long to push thru the transactions when you make a credit card purchase at their establishment? This is so effing annoying to me. Why? Well, I like to pay off my entire credit card balance each month and I like to track how much that payment is each month. When businesses take forever to push the purchase thru, the transaction isnt recorded on my account when I want to pay my bill and thus jumps over to the next month. Since Citibank is lame and wont let me pay more than my current balance, even when I know charges are out there waiting to be added, there is nothing I can do.

There are 2 reasons this annoys me:

1.) I have been spending a shitload of money this year. Probably about double what I spent last year on a monthly basis. Sure, Im having way more fun but Im trying to get myself back into saving mode as I have a few things Id like to save for. When charges get carried over to the next month, I dont get to "start fresh" with a chance at keeping my card spending low for that month by starting with a zero balance. Its a mental thing I guess and something thats not easy to explain. Just one of my many quirks.

2.) As a business owner, wouldnt you want your money as fast as you could get it? I just made about $400 in purchases since last Tuesday. NONE of these have shown up on my card yet. One was from an online retailer. The other was a restaurant here in Miami. The online guy has shipped my order and Ive already eaten the food from the restaurant and crapped it out by now.

I guess I could add Citibank being lame and not letting me prepay balances that I know are on the way to the list of why this annoys me. Bank of America let me do that but they dont give me AA miles for my purchases. Instead they have a lame reward program so it was bye bye to BoA. This may be the first case of someone wanting to be charged for goods and services but, unless the transactions have been forgotten or wiped clean, Id like to be charged. Dammit.

More thoughts on the Marlins Stadium in response to Mayor Alvarez

Mayor Alvarez penned a Letter to the Editor in today's Herald in support of the new Marlins Stadium. You can read it here. Nice smoke bomb by Alvarez. Drops the threat of the Marlins leaving the state, name drops 2 "experts" that the average citizen has never heard of that supposedly "know the community", and then uses the buzzphrase "create jobs" to draw the listeners' minds further from seeing why this stadium is a bad idea.

I have to ask this... What is the big difference between this location and Dolphins Stadium? Ok, its closer to the heart of Miami but at the same time now the Marlins probably lose out on south Broward fans who attended games in the past. Are there more businesses to visit in the area? Not really anything viable for the baseball crowd but you can buy churros and 5lb bags of shrimp from the guys who walk thru traffic at red lights. Is it easier to access? No. You still have to get in a car and drive, maybe not as far for Miami residents, but the traffic in the area will ensure a lengthy amount of time in the car.

So what really is the benefit? So we can say we have a baseball team? Look at attendance for the past 5 years. The team won the World Series and still barely anyone cared. Last year, I dont think they filled more than 25% of the stadium though Ive no facts to support this. Just judging by what I saw on the ESPN highlights where the analysts openly mocked the lack of attendance. Did the team actually make money for the community? I doubt it. Did more than 1% of the population enjoy attending games last year? Clearly not. So would it really be bad if they left? Sure, its nice to be able to catch a baseball game on a nice day but its clear that people in Miami have other things they would rather do.

Now, about these "experts"... How do we trust their "expertise" when they are in favor of installing a baseball stadium that will benefit less than 5% of the population and totally ignoring a mass transit problem that affects 100% of the population? Last time I checked, $500M+ was a lot of money. Why cant this be spent on a rail system that better connects the urban sprawl of Miami, something this city desperately needs?

Ok, so building the stadium will create jobs. Thats a fact. But dont give me this, "construction jobs are down 15% from last year" nonsense because construction in Miami has been overinflated! Wow, we built a ton of buildings and now no one lives in them! An oversupply of construction has led to an oversupply of residences and office space. Not exactly a benefit to the community. So while this stadium project may be a steroid shot in the arm, the after effects will be similar to steroids, leaving our city with sagging muscles and a limp dick.

Tired of Texting

The era of texting is upon us and I am already sick of it. I first learned of the popularity of texting while over in Europe back in 2001. It hadnt really caught on in the US yet and wouldnt for some time so I remembered thinking it was weird and probably for people who couldnt afford the minutes to talk. Today it seems like everyone texts, probably because they do. At first, I liked it and thought it was convenient. But that was in situations like looking for someone at a bar or letting someone know your flight had landed. That is what texting is good for - a short notice or exchange of info.

Nowadays though I find myself getting into what I call "text conversations" with people and it really annoys me. I hate punching the damn buttons for multiple texts. Its just inconvenient. If we really need to have more than a 2-text exchange, why cant we just talk like normal humans? You know, just hit "send" and hash out whatever we are texting about in less than 2 minutes. Its so impersonal and cerebral. Then there are the people whose phone makes noise with every button pressed and every text sent and received. God, I loathe those people. They continue on with this for what seems like an eternity. "Beep beep-beep, beeeeeeeeep!"

I'm no exception either, well, except for the noise making part. However, Im weening myself off of the text message. I'm concentrating on keeping myself from falling into text conversations and when I see one forming I hit the send button and make a phone call instead. I like being a human, after all.