Up In the Air...Again

A few thoughts and circumstances I encountered on this latest adventure flying the friendly skies...

1. Airports really need to get on the same goddamn page.  It's really interesting how what is necessary for the goose isn't necessary for the gander when one goes through the process of checking in for a flight and getting to one's departing gate.  At some airports, you can use a kiosk to check in and then wait in line to check your bags and then the ticket counter employees put your bags on a conveyor belt behind them and off they go.  At other airports like MIA, you go through the same process but then have to wheel your bags over to some other area for them to be screened by security even though there is a moving conveyor belt behind the ticket counter employees.  I'm sure there is probably a good reason for this, besides MIA being the most ass-backward airport in the country, but it just seems really dumb and a pain in the ass.  Every airport should do it the same way.  It would greatly reduce confusion for the traveler that gets the deer-in-the-headlights look because their originating airport didn't do it this way and now they are confused on their return flight.  Kinda hard to imagine why this is confusing but, for some reason, air travel makes people really, really dumb.  Another inconsistency comes at the security gates.  Ok, by now if you don't know that you need to remove all metal from your pockets and take off your shoes then you should be removed from the line and beaten senseless with a regulation-sized carry-on bag.  That's simple stuff.  The inconsistency that is annoying lies with airport security personnel who sometimes make you remove things from your pockets and sometimes don't.  When I left MIA on my way north, I went thru my usual routine and removed everything from my persons that was metal.  I left a chapstick in my pocket.  The lady at security made a big fucking to-do about that and made me go back thru the metal detector and put the chapstick in a bin.  You know, in case I had nuclear chapstick that would bring us all to our doom.  At LGA (LaGuardia), I went thru security 3 times.  The first time was for normal reasons and I made it through without issue (chapstick in pocket) but when I got to my gate and noticed I was still 3.5 hrs early (no other flights for standby) and there was no 1st class lounge, I doubled back and hit the next terminal over.  I got through security there without issue as well, had a few gratis beers in the lounge along with some veggies and dip, then headed back to my terminal to go through security for the 3rd time and catch my flight.  Here, I encountered the Security Nazi, you know, the dude who just likes to be a dick.  I went through the metal detector and it didn't make a noise so I thought I was good.  "Sir, I need you to go back.  Do you have any metal in your pockets?", the S.N. said.  "Nope", I replied before he noticed that nuclear chapstick in my pocket and made me remove it.  I did without getting irritated thinking maybe the "empty pockets" thing was new and then headed back through the metal detector.  Once again, no sound from the metal detector and once again this asshole stopped me and asked me to do it again.  Now I was irritated.  "Buddy, I do this almost every goddamn day.  In fact, this is the 3rd time if gone through security at this airport and I'm doing nothing different.  There's nothing setting off the metal detector.  What's your problem?"  He said something about me getting "four stars" as I walked through and that meant I had to go back.  Eventually, I took my money clip (stainless steel that is travel approved doesn't set off metal detectors) and put it in a bin which reduced my "star count" and appeased the Security Nazi.  I just wish airports would get on the same page with the same set of rules for each airport to eliminate delays and power trips by security.
2. Some people never cease to amaze me.  Look, flight delays happen.  Whether it be weather, equipment malfunctions, or whatever, shit happens.  Contrary to what appears to be popular belief, the airline employees have NOTHING to do with this.  My flight from LGA to BOS was delayed for 30 minutes and then another 1.5 hours.  This one woman apparently thought that the poor girl at the counter was responsible and began bitching nonstop for a good 15 minutes before she finally stormed off having accomplished nothing but elevating her own blood pressure and looking like a total bitch.  I thought it was kinda funny when the poor girl behind the counter went on break and the guy who replaced her decided to crush our spirits and let everyone know that although it said our flight would be leaving at 6:30p (1 hour late), we would actually be boarding at that time and then sitting on the runway for another hour.  He got cussed out by what I imagine was his supervisor but I appreciated him telling the god honest truth.
3. Sometimes you gotta give a little clear direction.  The plane I boarded on the aforementioned LGA to BOS flight was one of those smaller ones with two seats on the left side of the plane and one on the right as you board.  These planes have tiny overhead bins but I know my briefcase fits in just fine.  The guy in front of me was kind enough to let me put my briefcase up before he put up his jacket so we both could get our stuff in.  As I put my briefcase up, the woman behind me with the annoying, whiny voice asked, "How come you couldn't gate check that so we could put our jackets up?"  I kindly told her that my computer and some files were in there and that I needed to get some work done on the plane.  Again she bitched, "You could take them out, you know."  "Well, that's not gonna happen.  Sorry.", I said as she continued to bitch about her stupid jacket.  That's when I became irritated and gave some clear direction which got a clap from the woman next to me and sparked the guy behind me to say, "Forget it buddy, you can't win with people like that."  The guy then guessed that I wasn't married but the bitchy woman thought he was talking to her and went off on a tirade about being married for 42 years.  Guy behind me had the line of the night - "Man, that must be some luck your husband has."  Later on the flight the bitchy woman and her annoying friend both ended up getting airsick and puked in the barf bag.  Ain't karma a bitch?

The #1 Reason Why MIA Sucks

It's the people who work there.  Everyone has an attitude and that attitude sucks.  It's like they think they're doing the public a big favor by working there.  It's completely different than every other airport in the country and it's also the worst airport in the country.  I feel bad that many people have to have their introduction to the USA by way of Miami International Airport.  It's the worst airport in the country.  Seriously.  I think it was a year or two ago that somehow they got an award for best airport or most improved airport or something and it totally blew me away.  The selection committee must have gone out and drank tequila into the early hours of the morning before finishing off with 1,000 rounds of bong hits and walking in to cast their votes.

Thanks for continuing to under-service, under-perform, and underachieve MIA.  You suck. 

New American Airlines Terminal at MIA

As the shuttle pulled up to the terminal, I thought the shuttle driver had chosen to drop us off on the baggage claim level. It just didnt look right - no cars jammed into the curb dropping/picking up passengers, no employees crossing the streets to get to the employee bus, no typical mess that is Terminal C/D at MIA. After looking around and confirming we were indeed on the departure level, I realized that this was the long-awaited Terminal A/B open for business.

American Airlines now has its own area all to itself and its huge. Check-in counters as far as the eye can see. Of course, everything still manages to be a total clusterfuck with First Class being all the way at the end of the hall and multiple departure terminals and security checkpoints. I checked in at the First Class counter and was told my gate would be E2. Great... That meant I had to hoof it all the way to the farthest departure terminal from where I was at. The woman behind the counter told me to use the Terminal E security line in case the others were full. The C/D line was pretty short, so I went to pass there but I was stopped by the typical rude MIA employee who told me to use the D/E line because it would be "faster". Yeah, OK. Terminal E is the International Terminal and its usually mobbed this early in the morning. Lucky for me it wasn't too bad and I made it thru in about 15 minutes.

It was nice to see a Starbucks up and running in the new concourse check-in area. Another one looked to just have been finished and setup right outside the old Terminal D check-in area that now sits empty. Now if they could only get some Starbucks on the OTHER side of security. I was flying out of Terminal E and the breakfast options were Pizza Hut or some Cuban pastries. I'd rather starve than eat that crap. Not that Starbucks is that much better for breakfast but at least they make a decent chai tea.

Another nice new feature at the American Airlines counter was labeling bags as "Priority" for those of us who hold status with American. Waiting for bags at MIA takes FOREVER, so hopefully this miraculously speeds up the process of retrieving bags upon landing. I'm waiting to see what happens when I land in Minnesota, today's travel destination, to see if the labels have any effect on bag retrieval there.

That is if the bags make it there, of course...

Another Day, Another Flight, Another Lost Bag

Something didn't feel right when I began the check-in process at the Delta self-service counter today at MIA. You see, I usually fly American Airlines because they have a hub at MIA with direct flights to just about every city I need to fly to. I hate layovers. Not only are they a waste of time but they provide another chance for the airline to let the traveler down.

Another reason I fly American Airlines whenever I can has to due with my frequent flyer status. I've hit Platinum 2 years in a row now and may even hit Executive Platinum this year (I'd easily nail EP status if I didnt fly direct everywhere as flights with layovers get you more miles for your sacrifice in time). With that status comes a waiver of baggage fees, aka "the biggest consumer ripoff in the past 5 years". Even though my company picks up this baggage fee, it pisses me off that such a thing even exists. Let's see, the airlines were losing a boatload of money and claimed rising oil prices had a lot to do with it and figured that baggage gave the aircraft a lesser mpg, knew people need clothes when they travel, and decided to offset their costs by charging for baggage. That may not be exactly how it went down but I'm sure its pretty effin close. Well, oil prices have come way down yet we still get raped with baggage fees. Thank you, Sir! May I have another?!?!

So there I stood, looking at the kiosk and wondering if it would be possible to check my bag of clothing and carry on both my briefcase and my bag of product samples. In the past 2 months, my luggage had been lost twice which resulted in me walking into a meeting with a customer with plenty to tell but nothing to show. In other words, it was a waste of a meeting and I looked like an asshole. This would save my company $25 and ensure that I had my samples just in case my luggage was lost. Physically, I knew I could. Morally, I struggled with the decision. I can't stand the assholes who place their own well being above others on airplanes. The people who cram 2-3 bags into the overhead are said assholes. I didn't want to be that guy, the very guy I despise. So, even though I had reservations about checking the bag of samples, I gave into my morals and did it anyways.

I was on 4 hours of sleep, having gone to bed around 1am and gotten up at 5am to be at the airport by 6am for a 730am flight. I was hoping to sleep on the flight from Miami to Atlanta but a screaming baby prevented that from happening. The flight from Atlanta to Chattanooga was delayed but I wasn't surprised since delayed flights and ATL airport are kinda one in the same. Luckily, my appointment wasnt until 130p so I still would have time to grab my bags and a bite to eat with my sales rep before heading to see my customer. Or so I thought...

The airport in Chattanooga is tiny so the baggage carousel started less than 10 minutes after we landed. Now we pray. I was relieved when I saw my bag of clothing come out. Just one more bag and I'd be on my way...

That bag never came.

The carousel stopped and I was pissed. I'd just paid $50 to have Delta lose my bag and there was nothing I could do about it. Nope, can't get upset because that isn't going to do anything. All I could do was suppress my rage and meander over to the baggage office to report the problem.

Apparently taking 2 bags off of a plane in Atlanta and putting them on another is a difficult feat because, according to the Delta employee at the baggage counter, this happens almost daily. I took my claim number and hoped the bag would be on the next flight which was due to land at 120p, 10 minutes before my meeting...great. I ended up being an hour late and thus had to rush. I don't know about Delta Airlines but my time is very valuable to me, especially when it comes to doing my job. My brain was working overtime trying to not be pissed about being charged for bags only to have them lost. I decided I would resort to writing another letter to the airline which would most likely result in me being placated with a $100 voucher for use on a future flight. Yay...

So what can be done about being forced to pay for baggage on flights? As I see it, you can add $50-$100 to whatever "discount" airfare you are able to find on a flight so it really isn't a good fare. It's absurd how 9/11 security (fear) initiatives and the price of oil are holding the American consumer hostage when it comes to leisure or business travel. There has got to be a solution. In fact, I know there is a solution but the airlines are just too f**king selfish to take the necessary steps to making that solution a reality. But that's a whole separate discussion for another time. Until then, I guess we just have to grin and bear it while the airlines take advantage of us.

Nice to know my flight is in good hands...

Today, as I handed my ticket to the gate agent to board my flight, she asked me if I was ready and willing to help in the case of an emergency because I was in an exit row. I always find this silly but I guess its protocol. Well, you can only imagine how comforting it is to know that this woman is on my flight and has been moved up to the exit row. She is clearly ready to rip off a 65 pound door in the case of an emergency being that she is about 75 years old, walks with a cane, doesn't speak a lick of English, and is coughing like she has a case of the black lung. Thanks American Airlines for looking out for the best interest of your passengers' safety.

Losing Its Luster

I travel a lot for a living. My schedule can have me away from Miami just about every other week, sometimes weekly, for anywhere from 2 to 10 days at a time. As a result, I spend a lot of time in airports and on airplanes.

For the most part, I really enjoy it. Whenever Im traveling I am on the company's dime so its easier for me to save money. In Miami, I need to pay to feed myself and fight the temptation to go out all the time, a battle that I usually lose. I also get to see and experience the sights, sounds, and history of my country. A lot of people have never left their home states. Ive been to 39 of the 50 states in the USA* and hope to knock off a few more later this year. I also get to meet new people from different walks of life which has been an awesome learning experience. The travel perks are another bonus. Ive been on some pretty sweet vacations using my airline miles to get me there and my hotel points to put a roof over my head.

The drawbacks are minimal in quantity though somewhat hefty in quality. Being on the road and living out of a suitcase kinda blows. Its not bad when youre staying in one hotel for a few days at a time because you can unpack and get comfy. Bouncing from hotel to hotel and living out of a suitcase gets tiresome though. Then coming home and having to unpack and do chores before I leave again usually leads to me being lazy and neglecting my condo which sucks cuz Im kind of a neat freak. Also, it seems that I miss out on a lot of cool events with friends because I happen to be out of town when they take place, be it a concert, beach party, or local Miami event.

The fine line has always been flying. I love to fly. I think man inventing the commercial airplane and flying passengers all over the world in a giant hunk of hollowed steel is pretty freakin awesome. Have you ever seen a plane just about to land or after its just taken off? Look at how big those suckers are! Blows my mind. Lately, however, flying has been quite daunting.

I can deal with the nuances of the airport, even Miami International which is by far the worst and most annoying airport in the country. I can deal with the ticket lines, security lines, taking off my shoes, and removing liquids and metals from my persons and baggage. I arrive anywhere between 1.5 and 2 hours early and sit quietly while waiting to board my flight.

What I cant deal with lately is the way airlines have reacted to the economic situation and how it has affected airline passengers who then affect me. With the airline industry hurting, airlines have adopted a policy of making passengers pay for checked baggage. The result - people now cram everything they can into a suitcase, or multiple suitcases, and begin the battle for overhead space. Passengers flock to the boarding area, trying to get on the plane as fast as possible to secure the most overhead space possible. Airlines allow one bag in the overhead but most asshole passengers will throw 2, sometimes 3 up there without the airlines doing anything to stop them. This really pisses me off, mainly because of the lack of consideration shown for fellow flyers. It also delays the boarding/takeoff process because there is always some poor sap that cant find overhead space and then has to have his bag checked planeside. Another thing that drives me nuts as a result of the current economic situation is how airlines have cut routes and now jam pack and oversell flights. Nothing is worse than being on a packed flight. The cabin temperature pre-takeoff gets really warm with all of those bodies in there. Plus, people are so effing inconsiderate its not even funny. I sit in the aisles and get wailed by carry-on luggage as people walk by without even offering an "excuse me" or "sorry".

My last 4 flights have really sucked due to fellow passengers being inconsiderate. First there was the parents who couldnt get their kid to stop kicking my seat to the point where I had to turn around and say, "Dont do that again." The dad finally reacted after ignoring this for 2 straight hours and got the kid to stop. Then there was the kid from India who talked loud NONSTOP for 2 straight hours on an 8am flight to Charlotte. This kid didnt take one goddamn breath. I knew his whole effing life story by the end of the flight which technically qualified me to bludgeon him to death with my luggage because he was that lame. The next flight was warm when we boarded the plane. It was a quick flight from Charlotte to Norfolk in a small plane on a nice spring morning where the air was brisk but the sun was hot. Due to the fact that we weren't moving, the air vents weren't pumping out a lot of cool air. The pilot was clearly trying to fix things but the plane kept losing power and restarting again. The guy behind me thought that if he bitched nonstop like a 2 year old to the flight attendants or pilot or anyone who would listen, that the plane would miraculously be fixed and cool off. This went on for 45 straight minutes before me and the woman next to me started talking very audibly about how much of a baby he was. The last flight was a 6 hour Miami to San Fran nightmare. Sitting in my usual seat 10D on a nonstop 8am American flight, I was feeling good. Id only gotten 3 hours of sleep but I knew I could pass out and get some more shuteye on the plane. Not so fast. I had 2 old geezer women and a big fat momma sitting behind me who made it a point to constantly raise and lower the tray table and yank down on the back of my chair while trying to get out of the row to take a leak. Why think about others' comfort? I maybe got an hour of sleep and now Im in a different timezone trying to stay awake so I will wake up on "normal" time and not be a zombie in my meetings tomorrow.

Its these things that have now got me thinking that the allure of travel is losing its luster. Ive found myself dreading trips that I normally would enjoy just because of the flights involved. Its probably just a phase where Im becoming easily irritated and suppressing it so it all boils over like it has in this rant. Another thing is that I travel so much and try to be considerate of others so I expect it even more. Its a necessary evil that puts money in my pocket so I'll suck it up and deal and hope I get back that "lovin feelin" for flying again. At least it gets me out of Miami for a little bit, a positive that cant be topped.

*In order to qualify as a "visited state", I have to actually do something there (i.e. - eat at a restaurant, go to a tourist spot, etc). Simply driving through or sitting at an airport during a layover does not count.

US Scareways makes Blind Mind an unhappy guy

Had a great time last night for Halloween. I met up with a group of about 10 friends, all of us dressed as vampires which was pretty cool. We started at a buddy's place on Michigan and then walked over to Lincoln Rd where I met up with some other friends before going to Gemma to finish off the night. I was "taking it easy", which means watching my alcohol intake and my watch so I could be home by 1am because I had a flight that I believed to be leaving MIA at 6am....

Fast forward to 4:51am when my buddy sends me a text saying he just got home and hopes I made it out OK. That woke me up. My alarm apparently didnt. I jumped out of bed, threw a bunch of shit in a suitcase (I'd 1/2 packed the night before) and bolted out the door. After blowing no fewer than 3 stop signs and 2 red lights (I slowed and stopped just didnt wait for the light since every normal person in Miami was sleeping at this time) I arrived at MIA. I found parking uber-quick and ran to the USAirways check-in counter. When I swiped my credit card in the machine, it didnt have record of me on the flight... Great.

Now Im thinking maybe my flight was out of FLL and Im in a slight panic. I check with Delta and United just to make sure I didnt book on them but in my mind I can see the email printout (conveniently located in my desk drawer at work) and I just know its USAirways. I ask the guy at the ticket counter to run a check on my name and see if Im supposed to be at MIA or FLL. He does and says Im not in there. I make sure he has my correct spelling (its an easy name but people make 1 common mistake) and he still says nothing. I check my frequent flyer itinerary online too - nothing. I go back to the desk again and ask him 1 more time if he is sure Im not on a flight out this morning. He gets smartass and says, "I dont know buddy, youre lost."

Lucky for me, even on little sleep my common sense meter recognizes that verbally accosting him for being a goddamn smartass is not going to help me get what I want. Its now 6:30am and any hope I had of a 6am flight is gonzo. So, I head home calling my sales rep on my way to let him know he is going to have to cover for me. I get home slightly happy that I wont be traveling but still pissed that I cant figure out for the life of me what happened to my flight reservation. Im a traveling veteran and Ive never effed up like this before. That's when I remember that my old business credit card had expired and the new one they issued me had a new number! Thats why it didnt work when I swiped it in the machine. So, I hit the internet one last time and instead of searching my frequent flyer number I search for my name online. Well whattya know? There's my flight at 6:30am! I call USAirways and speak to a woman who was a great help. She found me in the system right away and couldnt understand how the brainchild at MIA couldnt find it. She says there is a flight at 8:20am. Its 7:10am. Here we go again!

This time, I obeyed most traffic signals with the exception of 2 stop signs that I hate because they are pointless and one of those rotaries (what we call traffic circles in MA) in my 'hood in the Grove. I find parking very quickly and run into the airport, talking to my boss on the way in and letting him know my situation and that Ive found a new flight. You know who Im gunning for now... Mr. Smartass. I walk up to the podium. He's assisting another customer but I really dont give a shit at this point. "Hey, remember me?", I say almost out of breath from booking it from the parking lot, "I was on that flight at 6:30am." "Oh, but you said 6:00am.", he replies. "Yeah, but maybe if you werent so busy being a fucking smartass telling me I was lost and instead did what I asked you to do which was look for my name in the entire system then Id be halfway to Cincinnati right now!?!?!", I said as the customer next to me, and conveniently Smartass's supervisor, looked on. Smartass had nothing to say. His manager put me on the 8:20 flight and I was off to security check, surprised that I had only let out one F-bomb in the process.

Im now in Charlotte waiting for my next flight which boards at 1:15p. I got here at 10:45am... I managed to get in a good 2 hours of shuteye on the plane ride here and hope to get some more on the next flight. I still havent showered and the fake blood that was dripping from my mouth didnt exactly wash off 100% so I look like an asshole haha. I just cant win today. There are only 2 unknowns that are bothering me right now... One is that Im wondering if the supervisor at USAirways charged my card for modifying my flight itinerary due to the missed flight. He never asked me about charging me, so Im 99% positive Im in the clear there. He did give me a receipt though that had a $295 total on it but I think that was the original price I paid. The other thing that is bothering me is that I cant locate my parking garage ticket. Part of me thinks its in the car in the armrest where I usually put it. Another part of me vaguely remembers it being in my hand while I talked with my boss on take-2 of my airport mission. Im praying its in the car because its nowhere to be found on my persons. I cant imagine what the lost ticket charge will be if its not but that will not be cool.

Another day, another adventure. I swear my life should be a tv show like Jim Carrey's in that movie The Truman Show.

The Trip from Hell...

OK, so Ive been traveling a ton and the whole blog thing sorta lost its appeal. Im sure the 2 people that read it slowly cried themselves to sleep... Well, I had to post this story since it was absolutely ridiculous. Absolute nightmare of a road trip from Miami to Tulsa to Dallas to Houston and back to Miami.

So, I left Sunday for tropical Tulsa, OK with a connection in Dallas. Flying on the weekends for work kinda sucks, but Ive been getting so annihilated from going out so much that it was nice to have to "tone it down" on a Sunday. I get to Dallas and board the Tulsa flight. Should be an easy hour trip but the pilots decided to show up 90mins late in Dallas...go figure. Got to the hotel at just after midnight after taking a cab where the cab driver started screaming at someone in Arabic. I think he was pissed at the dispatch because he kept screaming, "Gligamesh ish beck naka gilgamesh leeba tatkainalsdhliajsdf dispatch gilgamesh suresh asdjfasjdhglasdjrfasd dispatch gilgamesh suresh dispatch hasldkfalsghalsdjl alsidfjla sidfliuf aisjdf l; dispatch!!!!" over and over again.

The next day, I visited some accounts, wrote some good biz, and got done early. Had a 640p flight to Dallas but got to the airport at 2p so tried to fly standby on the 440p flight. Well, the 440p flight gets cancelled ("mechanical failures") and the 640p gets delayed 45mins (no fuckin reason)... At least the bar was right next to my gate and I met a cute chick who was more of a sports fan than most guys I know. At first, I thought she was just quoting crap she read on espn.com that morning, but this chick was legit. We spent about 2hrs throwing back a few brew-has, taking sports, and making fun of the dork next to us with the bluetooth earpiece - awesome times! I still dont get why people wear those stupid things in public. Anyways, I finally board the plane and get to Dallas at 845p only to find out that they left my bags in Tulsa. Reason for this - "TSA didnt have enough time to get my bags on the plane". Thats right, 5hrs early and they didnt have time... I mustve said, "Fuck" about 100 times to the poor baggage lady because she kept giving me the "not enough time" excuse. I was doing my best to hold back rage but it slipped out a little when I ranted, "Lady, gimme another excuse please. Even lie if you have to! Tell me they thought y bags were radioactive, that they were WMDs, that they thought my electric razor was a grenade, but dont tell me they didnt have enough time when I was there 5 fucking hours early!" Went out for a good bite to eat and a much needed whiskey before heading to the hotel for some shuteye. Captain Fantastic at American Airlines said that I would have my bags delivered by 10am so at least that wasnt so bad...

Its 9am and I call the "lost baggage hotline" to get the status on my baggage. The computer attendant tells me that they arrived in Dallas at 8am and "will be delivered to me within the next 6 hours." Gee, 8am + 6hrs = 2pm last time I checked. I knew that lady was full of shit when she said 10am... Well, bags showed up around 1145am and I headed out to a crappy meeting then broke for lunch before heading to the reps office to train a new guy. From there we hit up another customer for a meeting that sucked because we didnt write business right then and there, but the customer was a really cool guy and we chatted for awhile about Miami, Superbowl, Vegas, gambling, etc (all the important stuff) and got to know each other better so at least that was good.

Then it was time to fly to Houston. My flight was supposed to leave at 830p out of DFW but it was raining like hell so it was delayed to 930p. I was afraid it would be cancelled so i cancelled the flight and called Southwest cuz they had flights at the other Dallas airport (Love Field - which was closer). The lady on the line for Southwest said they had "plenty of availability" on about 9 flights that left every 1/2 hr and that there were no delays longer than 15mins because of the rain. She said it shouldnt be a problem getting on the 6. 630, or 7p flight. When we left, it was POURING out. It was so bad that we were driving down a hill and there was 3+ inches of water on the road in the MIDDLE of the hill, not at the bottom. "This cant be good" I think to myself. I get to the airport and they can only get me on the 830p. Its 545p... I ask why and they tell me the airport has been shut down for the past 2hrs due to weather...go figure. I guess captain McSmartypants left that out of her "you should have no problem" report 15 minutes earlier.

The airport is a total madhouse, people EVERYWHERE. The line for Chili's was at least 50 deep and there were no chances I was gonna spring for McD's or some other shit food. At least they had the most awesome thing Ive ever seen at an airport - BEER CARTS! Thats right, people walking all over the airport throwing down beers like nothing. It was like being at a Pats game! I slammed down a few Heinekens and then realized I would need to wait about 3 more hours before my flight had a chance to leave so I hit up Chili's and made it thru the line relatively quickly, no thanks to the douchebag lady that told me there were single seats that you didnt have to wait in line for - I got out of line only to be sent back... Two double whiskeys and some boneless buffalo wings later, Im ready to check on my flight since the board says we should be boarding in 30 minutes. Guess again... The Dallas-Houston terminal at Southwest is a total free-for-all. Flights from 4pm thru 8pm are taking off at different times from 2 different gates and mass confusion has ensued. One guy next to me just had a total meltdown and started flipping out and swearing like crazy while me and another girl watched and laughed. Its always easy to make friends when youre experiencing travel woes because everyone is completely helpless. Finally, after 4hrs of waiting, I get placed on the 930p flight and when I ask if my bags will be on my flight I get a "maybe, maybe not" answer. "When the weather gets like this, we just start shipping bags on whatever flight we can just to get them there", the attendant tells me. Oh, that makes a lot of sense...

I land and check the baggage carousel dont see my bags but then the girl who I had talked with earlier directed me to a big pile of bags and sure enough, mine were there! First piece of good luck! Now its pouring outside but luckily the hotel shuttles are under cover and the shuttle driver is reasonably sane. Got to the hotel at 1130p that night, 3hrs later than expected...

Its now Wednesday morning and Im really looking forward to geting out, seeing customers, and getting the fuck outta Houston and back to Miami. At around 7am, I get a text from my rep who was supposed to pick me up to go visit 4 accounts. He is 3.5hrs away in Austin where he lives and cant leave because a bridge is under 3ft of water... Go figure. We scrap the day and I check to see if I can get an earlier flight than my 7pm scheduled filght since its 1145am. There is a 2pm flight and its a 35 minute drive once the shuttle gets here to pick me up. Im gonna go for it, so I shower, pack, and make plans to head to the airport. I talk with "Keisha" who tells me that "Leroy" will be there to get me around 1230p. Its gonna be close sportsfans. Im really depending on Leroy... Leroy shows up and is on good spirits. He grabs some free coffee at the hotel and we head out - love that move. If I was a shuttle/cab/bus driver, I would never pay for breakfast or coffee ever. "Time is of the essence " I say to Leroy as we head out. "Man we gon' be there in 30 minutes, youll make it, I'll get you there." Leroy is the man. He starts telling me how this airport ride is "all Leroy" because he does it on the side for some extra cash. In fact, Leroy has had enough of this job and is trying to get a few bucks to help him out on his bus trip to Atlanta tonite. He is quitting the job after making a few "cash runs" and is leaving to start up at his old job in Atlanta later on that night. His current employer has no idea - awesome. Im loving Leroy time right now especially, because he's flooring it and basically pushing cars out of our way by honking and flashing high beams. "As you can see, Ive got a little bit of road rage in me...", he says with a laugh. Then he launches into a story about how his girl is a no-good drunk on drugs and that she "aint gon' see him no mo'" after waking him up in the middle of the night to ask for a smoke and then getting pissed because he didnt have any. "I felt like chokin her out but I kept my hands to myself. I dont need that shit. Instead, I went out on the porch and to' up all her underwears and shit and then I left. She wont see me no mo'!", he tells me. Leroy is single-handedly turning this trip around for me at this point. After a little silence, Leroy gets deep and asks, "If you could change one thing in the world, what would it be?" Pretty broad question, but I say that I wish that everyone would just get along. That earns me a high-5 from my man Leroy who agrees and goes on a rant about how between sex, race, religion, etc., there's too much fighting and hating goin on these days.

We're finally at the airport and I wish Leroy luck in Atlanta and give him a nice tip. I really hope things work out for him cuz he was a nice guy that seems like he actually gives a shit about contributing to society and making a living, which is more than I can say for about 50% of the people who live in Miami. I hustle up to the AA counter and ask if I can make the 2pm flight and Im in! I catch a break and get an exit row aisle seat too! Talking to my boss, I say "I finally caught a break, go ton the early flight, got an exit row aisle, AND we're about to leave". Im feelin good now - its almost over. We board the plane...

...and end up sitting in the plane on the runway for 2 HOURS waiting for weather to pass so we can fly...UNREAL. Didnt help that the pilot let about 7 Continental flights sneak in front of us. Got home at 7p and couldnt have been happier. I helped an old lady grab her bags and then mine were then the 5th and 7th bags to come out - thanks karma. What a trip. There were points where I couldve had a total meltdown but I kept laughing because it was quite comical how everything that could go wrong, did. Ive really come full circle. Years ago, Id have been the guy at the airport flipping out. Now, I could almost care less. Im in airports so much these days that I almost enjoy them. Now Ive got a nice 2 solid weeks in Miami before my next trip so I'll have time to get caught up on housework and catch up with friends. Then its off to Newark, NJ where I will probably be stranded in a blizzard...

Retarded Airport Issues

Ok, so there is all this new security at airports, rules, limits, personnel, etc... Its supposed to keep us safe so thats a positive. It also makes it easy to point out how retarded most people in this country are for not being able to follow guidelines that are listed all over the airport and constantly repeated over the intercom (in Spanish too at Miami International, which is bullshit but thats a whole other rant for another day) - a half positive for comedy, but a half negative for annoyance while you wait in line. Because of this, you have to be on point at the airports, especially if youre like me and like to have a few whiskeys or beers before you board the plane. With my job requiring a lot of travel, Ive got it down to a science. Here are some good guidelines to follow to help prevent you from looking like one of those retards:

1. Know the rules - If you havent figured it out yet, terrorists bombed our country using our very own passenger planes as weapons of mass destructions. As a result of that, there are some security measures in place at the airports that must be followed. Strange coincidence huh? Well, know these rules and dont try to rebel against them. Dont try and bring more than 2 carry on bags, dont have any liquid or gel in your carry on bag (the airports are calling it 3-1-1 now so look up what that is cuz Im not explaining), separate your laptop, take off your jacket/sportcoat, and take off your fuckin shoes. Ive seen and heard millions of people bitch about having to remove shoes and I really dont see what the big deal is. Just obey the rules and proceed so we can all go on with our lives and I can have a chance at some whiskey before I board.
2. Master the art of the xray line - This is important. Youve gotta be on your toes if you wanna find the fastest way thru the line. See also - need to get a whiskey before boarding. With that said, be on the lookout for people who dont speak/read english, fat people (slow ass mo'fo's), business travelers who like to look important by talking on their cells in line and because of this are a total trainwreck with the whole laptop removal thing, parents with kids (nightmare because of the extra baggage), and old people. Once you choose your line, get your gear in order. This means knowing all of the metal items on your persons that will make the detector beep and getting ready to remove them. This is where dumbasses should realize that shoes are key. Take off the shoes, empty the metal in your pockets (keys, phone, etc.) into the appropriate shoe (i.e. - right pocket stuff in right shoe, left pocket stuff in left shoe). This makes for easy retreiving once you make it thru as all you have to do is pour the contents into your hand and shove em in your pocket. And be ambidexterous for crying out loud. Just because the right hand is busy stuffing items in the right pocket doesnt mean the left hand cant be picking up some other shit or preparing a shoe to be put on. Oh, and if you wear shoes that are difficult to put on quickly, cart your ass over to the chairs nearby and sit down rather than struggling and causing the line to back up.
   
3. Dont be an asshole - Bitching about shoes and/or airport rules is a waste of oxygen, both yours and mine. The airport personnel can be lazy (see Miami International), extremely incompetent (see Miami International), and rude (see Miami International). That doesnt mean you gotta try and outsmart them. If you try to bring 2 pieces of carry on luggage and a purse/laptop bag/backpack, youre gonna get busted. Dont be an asshole and cause a scene because you aint winning that arguement. Ive seen them tell old ladies in wheelchairs that they have to check said bags, so Mr. J.P. Travelsalot aint sliding by either.
4. Remember, airport lines are a team sport - Getting thru the line as fast as possible is gonna take a team effort by you and all of your fellow passengers in line. Take pride in your line and its ability. Be a leader and set an example soldier! Help the lame out with getting them a bin. If youre taking too long to throw your stuff in a bin, let the next guy go in front of you. Double check for metal to make sure you dont get rejected at the metal detector and have to start over. If your "zone" hasnt been called yet, dont try and sneak by cuz your gonna get denied and delay others, cause an announcement, and look like a total asshole (which, now that I think of it, is actually funny so go ahead and give it the ol' college try!)

Following these guidelines should help you to maximize your free time at the airport for using the internet, talking on the cell, and if youre not a loser wasting time on the internet or cell - pounding some whiskey and talking to airport bar patrons. Good times!